“We can’t become what we need to be by remaining what we are.” Oprah Winfrey

To continue to reinvent yourself is one of the greatest gifts we have. We get to decide what we make the things that happen to us mean about us. We decide what we hold on to, what we believe about ourselves, what we give our power to.

It’s the greatest gift we have. Perspective. The ability to choose who we are and what we’ll become.

And it’s one of the scariest at times. To change your mind. To decide that you are going to let go of all of the things you’ve been told about who you are, your family history, the expectations, judgments, ridicules and opinions others have placed on you. That you are going to free yourself from the chains of your circle of influence, your family, your history and your story – to step into the unknown and redefine yourself. To no longer have a past you are handcuffed by, only a future that you are creating.

It is hard. It may alienate some of the people closest to you. Most people are too afraid to let go of what they know, too afraid that if they let go of the people they’re attached to, they’ll be alone.  Afraid of change, afraid of the unknown.

But great leadership requires greatness – and greatness requires that you constantly reinvent yourself, challenge yourself and grow your consciousness. You cannot be a great leader and not be constantly moving your consciousness forward.

You have to be willing to live in discomfort, to constantly be gripped in fear and move forward anyway, to push your leadership, keep growing your consciousness and constantly be looking inward, forward and for ever increasing depth.

It is a commitment to a purpose-driven life, a commitment to a deepening consciousness, a commitment to something greater than yourself.

Nothing about my story makes any sense. No one would believe the auto-biography if they read it. I come from, literally, nothing – a small town raised, out of control wild-child with no discipline, no moral grounding, no family ties, no parental influences, no role models, no mentors, no self-respect, no feminine wisdom. Mildly educated, without a compass to guide me, no influences to support me and no teachers to lead me. With a heart that was filled with rage, trauma and deep, sustained, emotional wounding. The greatest goal set for me to be a good secretary and get married.

I rarely look in the rear view mirror, life is always moving forward, evolving, and so are we, but even typing these words I can feel the shame, guilt and embarrassment about where I come from rising. I don’t know why. Maybe because I think it should look a certain way. Maybe because now it’s written I can’t unwrite it, now the whole world will know my shame, know my secret self. Now they’ll know how fragile and vulnerable I am and they’ll use it against me – business is a rough environment.

Maybe I just like the idea of being like everyone else sometimes. Sometimes I don’t want to be so different. I don’t want to talk about these things – I am compelled to write this blog and yet I hate that I write this blog. I don’t know why, but there it is. Shame.

I have no pedigreed background. No happy family history. No proud parents shuffling me off to a pre-paid college education. No solid moral fiber from mentors to guide me on my path. No support, no direction, no guidance, no hope.

Who am I to be a leader? Who am I to run a multi-million dollar company? Who am I to talk about these things, look at where I come from. Look at who I have been. Look at what I have done.

Alone, scared, traumatized, fearful and angry with nothing but this one, simple, thing that made all the difference to who I would become. The ability to choose for myself what I would make it mean about me.

Who am I to be a leader and run a multi-million dollar company? Who am I not to be?

It took years of dedication, commitment, perseverance, a willingness to look at the darkest most awful parts of myself, to try and fail, to risk and lose, to build steadily and with focus over a long period of time. To never quit. I had to teach myself discipline, teach myself self-love, teach myself commitment, teach myself to still my mind, teach myself to build integrity and morality, to learn how to manage my sabotage and direct my focus – to be in relationship with my power and steer it, rather than it steering me. It took a lot of stumbles.

To build it all, lose it all and then start again. And to not let the losses and the stumbles become what frames my decisions moving forward. Sometimes, when you’re pushing your consciousness forward, you’ll experience more loss, sometimes more loss than you think you can take. And you have to have the courage and the tenacity to stay the course, to not let those losses affect the purity of your heart, the steadiness of your commitment, your trust in life or your willingness to risk again.

I had to seek out sages and wisdom keepers to teach me what they knew. I read every book written on psychology, self-improvement, self-development, quantum physics, business, leadership, spirituality, religion, love, economics. Books saved my life, truly.

I learned how to address my emotional traumas in a healthy way, how to forgive myself and others, how to change the inner dialogue in my mind, how to transform those ingrained, brainwashed belief systems, how to find mentors I respected and would listen to.

How to let my anger go. How to cleanse my karma. And, finally, how to listen to my inner wisdom, feminine knowing and intuition and let it guide me, forward. When you come from a broken past, you can’t trust your intuition – nothing is safe. You have to heal that trauma first – to trust life again, to trust yourself again, to trust love again.

I decided who I was going to be. I decided to be self-directed. I decided to change my mind about who, what and how my experiences shaped me. What I made it all mean about myself. I chose to reinvent myself and to use the platform of where I had come from as the framework to catapult me to where I’m going.

Everyone has a story – no one better or worse than someone else’s. They are all just the cards we are given in this life. Our job is to do the most with what we have, to find the truest most authentic expression of ourselves, from wherever it is that we come from.

To constantly be moving our consciousness forward and to then share what we have learned to help others to do the same. When you get, give. When you learn, teach.

Krystine McInnes is CEO and Director of Athena Farms and Grown Here Farms. Stewarding purpose-driven, change-making projects with a focus on Planet, People, Profit and a commitment to Sustainable Business models.

“Walk through life eager and open to self-improvement and that which is going to best help you evolve, because that’s really why we’re here: to evolve as human beings.”Oprah Winfrey

Eventually, we all come to a place where we have to decide what we’re really made of.

Will we stretch into the unknown, forging forward in our consciousness to a place of discomfort, unease, unrest. Where the walls aren’t solid, the path is unclear and the floor gives way beneath you, where nothing is certain…and everything is possible.

We all have choice. In every moment, in every circumstance. Choice.  It is the one thing we have all been given, born with and are sovereign over. There is no privilege, no hierarchy, no history. Choice is free. Choice is non-denominational. It is Free Will. And it is given to us all, equally.

Choice.

Not about the physicality of your world, not about the circumstances of your childhood, nor the parents you had or the home you grew up in, the school you went to. Not about your financial circumstances, your history, your karma, your tragedies, your comedies.

But about your perspective.

Free Will is about having the power to choose your perspective. The power to choose your frame of mind. What you will focus on. How you will internalize a situation. What you will make it mean about yourself.

It is the one thing that has the power to change your entire life, for better or worse. Instantly.

There is so much we have no control over. We don’t control the cards we’re dealt, the family we’re born into, the circumstances that befall us. We can try our hardest, plan it perfectly, take care of every detail – and still fail. We can screw up all the steps, make mistake after mistake, and still succeed.

None of it matters. Rise, fall. Win, lose. In the stretch of eternity none of it will matter anyway. We live these lives, so attached to the houses we’ve built that contain all the things we think are important. We hold on to them so tightly, so afraid to lose them. But in the end – life is both beautiful and futile. We are all going to die, eventually. After a few generations, our memories will be forgotten, all of the things we fought so hard to possess will have perished, no one will even remember our names. Dust to dust.

The only thing that is eternal is consciousness. To be fully expressed in this lifetime, to the best of our abilities. To life a life fully, and then to perish….only to start again.

Life is constantly testing us. Pushing us. Calling us to a higher purpose, a higher understanding, a higher consciousness. The next dimension. Asking us to be the highest expression of ourselves. It is a constant evolution of surrendering further into who we really are.

If we are willing.

We get to choose.

Every circumstance in our lives has the same purpose – to grow our consciousness. No one is better or worse, no one is positive or negative. They are all just tools to build us, shape us, forge us, make us stronger, build our understanding towards an expansion of our consciousness. Whether we view those experiences as negative or positive is our choice. Whether we let those experiences break us or build us. Open us or shut us down. Bury us in shame, fear, hurt, anger, anguish, or build us in humility, grace, forgiveness, surrender. We get to choose.

It isn’t easy. To be faced with your deepest fears. To have your heart destroyed. To be so deeply betrayed. To cry so hard and for so long you don’t think you’ll ever recover. To be broken and to somehow find the strength to pick yourself up, and start again. Trust again. Open again.

When the floor is unstable. And the fear is thick. When there are no good answers, no easy ways out and all doors are marked no exit.

But it is in the space of total uncertainty that everything is possible.

Choice.

Krystine McInnes is CEO and Project Director of Athena Farms and Grown Here Farms. Stewarding purpose-driven, change-making projects with a focus on Planet, People, Profit and a commitment to Sustainable Business models.

 

“Every time you suppress some part of yourself or allow others to play you small, you are in essence ignoring the owner’s manual your creator gave you and destroying your design.” Oprah Winfrey

Often, I crave comfort, safety and security. Yet I’m compelled to live, think, act and create so outside the established norms there really are no walls, definitions or boxes I fit into.

It makes me one formidable business woman.

And a constant target.

Most people don’t like things they don’t understand. It threatens their own safety, security and boxes they live in. They want to make sense of it, put it in a box they can understand, define it…limit it. But how do you explain the inexplicable? How do you rationalize the impossible?

My entire life is a series of impossibilities made possible, no-ways turned into ways, rationality, predictability and established norms obliterated. How do you explain those things? You can’t.

How do I stand on my foundation of truth and doesn’t-make-sense-ness and subject myself to public opinion? I know my truth, I have lived one miracle after another for an entire lifetime. But to explain it? To be put to the fires to test my resolve?

Terrifying. Faint smells of burning stakes and the cries of “witch!” pass through my mind.

I made a career out of being a chameleon. To stay within the established lines so I wouldn’t have to be such a target all the time. I’ve never really had a tough enough skin for it.

Years perfecting my position – smile just the right amount. Be attractive, but not too attractive. Shine, but not too bright. Laugh in the right spots, toss my hair at the right time, say the exact right thing so as to make sure they feel completely at ease.

And won’t notice that I’m a complete and total alien.

As I’ve gotten older, wiser, more experienced and less afraid. As I could no longer ignore that voice that has been calling me from deep within, to really live my Higher Purpose. The thing I fear the most, the thing that terrorizes me silently – that I will be judged, criticized, persecuted and made wrong – it is my constant companion.

You see, I had this Pollyanna view that at some point it would all stop and everyone would love and understand me, and praise me for my work and just let me be to build and create. If I just did it perfect enough.

The frailty of my own sense of self bubbles to the surface in a statement like that. I see my need to be liked, to people please. My insecurity. My desperate need to be loved. My covetous idolatry. My shame. My desire for approval.

And I feel ashamed. I should be stronger. I shouldn’t care what others think of me. I’m a leader, how could I think those things let alone utter the words out loud, publicly? I should only focus on the positive. Have a constant list of motivational catch-phrases to cover all that up. Work on top of it. Isn’t there some weekend course somewhere to fix me of those things?

But acknowledging my own shame, fallibility, broken-ness doesn’t mean I give it power. It means I’m being honest. About the truth of me, right down to the core – dark and light. We all have wounds, we all have things about us that bring us to our knees, parts that need more love. Working on top of those things just means they’ll bubble to the surface somewhere else. Sometimes destructively.

Demons hide in these dark places.

No. I refuse to let what I don’t want to acknowledge in myself become what breaks me because I am afraid of how it looks.

Owning all of who I am gives me permission to let that stuff go. It doesn’t own me because I deny it.

To accept the wholeness of who we are is where real strength comes from. That is freedom. That is truth.

What we decide to do with it, that is choice.

Every moment, I get to decide what kind of woman I am going to be.

Will I let all those forces of darkness make me stronger, see the opportunity in the midst of the storm, build my way to solid ground and look back, with compassion, forgiveness and gratitude for all those who have wished me ill or who have placed me on the altar of their own judgment? Or will I be consumed with bitterness, blame and anger, trying to be right, trying to be heard among the deaf and seen among the blind?

Could I see that those who have hurt me the most actually gave me my greatest strengths and gifts.

For how would I know the depths of my own commitment if I wasn’t pushed to the depths of criticism? How would I know great love if I haven’t known loss? How would I know how much grit and determination I have until I have been tested? How would I trust in miracles if I haven’t been brought to my knees, with no human options left, and still a way is made from no-way?

If I could see it all as Love, as the Great Love that is the core of who we all really are. It is all FOR me. All of it. Even if I can’t see it in the moment.

And that Love is of all of me. Not just the parts that look good on paper. Acceptance, forgiveness, commitment, perseverance, tenacity, compassion, focus, discipline, kindness, gratitude, surrender and trust – these are the real building blocks of true success.

In the end, I don’t care to live a life as anyone other than me, by anyone else’s rules but my own. And I will answer only to the One who called me. To keep surrendering, walking and owning who I was intended to be. Come what may. Until I am awash in the mystery, forced open by Grace, filled to the brim with magic and have lost my heart forever in God….

Krystine McInnes is CEO and Project Director of Athena Farms and Grown Here Farms. Stewarding purpose-driven, change-making projects with a focus on Planet, People, Profit and a commitment to Sustainable Business models.

“In order to be truly happy, you must live along with, and you must stand for something larger than yourself.” Oprah Winfrey

Trust.

It’s just a word. Trust. And yet it carries so much with it.

How do we trust? How do we build trust in ourselves and in life? How do we learn to trust again when we have been so betrayed by life, by others, by ourselves?

How do we keep falling down again and again and pick ourselves back up, dust our broken hearts off, and learn to trust again?

I struggle for it.

Sometimes I suffocate in my own fear around it. Maybe I should just turn back, it’s asking too much of me, I can’t surrender that deeply, I can’t let go of control, I can’t do what You ask, I am too afraid.

Silent tormentors in my mind waging war against myself. Then come the external people to validate my fears – you aren’t doing it right, you need to do it our way, you shouldn’t pursue this, you shouldn’t do that. All the judgment, criticism, expectations, pressure. It’s everywhere.

And even though my resolve is stronger, my leadership more capable than ever, my clarity razor sharp, my devotion and commitment deeply rooted…Still….the fear gets thicker. No one tells you that, you know. That your fear will never be absent, in fact, it will be more acute the further in you go. You just become masterful at managing it.  Saying “thanks for sharing” and moving forward anyway. It never really leaves you, not really. Like one side of a two-sided coin, always there to balance out the other. It’s self-mastery that makes the difference.

To lead a purpose driven life, I never really knew what it meant. Not really. I knew I wanted it, more than anything in the world, but to live it? It requires a kind of grit, a depth of determination, a surrender and a humility that I don’t know how to describe. It’s terrifying, and truthfully some days I don’t know if I’m going to make it to the next….and yet it’s the only place I actually feel connected, like it all makes sense, like I understand why I was put on this planet. If I had known from the beginning how much of myself I’d have to give, how far I’d have to push, how deep I’d have to let go, would I have still wanted it? Would I have chosen it? A simpler life looks good in those moments of questioning.

For every step forward in the pursuit of Purpose….tests will come. In my experience, the depth of your tests, balance the depth of your weaknesses, required commitment, integrity and stewardship for the Purpose you are intended for. Like your own, personal, cocktail of Consciousness growth. Not to kill you, but to make you stronger. To build you. So you can become who you were intended to be, to steward the gift, the blessing and be responsible with the burdens of what you have asked for. No blessings come without burdens to manage.

To test your faith, your resolve, to transform your weaknesses, to open your chained up and shut down heart, whether you like it or not. For you cannot strive for Purpose and not accept change, even if that change hurts. Trust. Is required.

To have no physical evidence for your case, be ok to be misunderstood, face scrutiny, aggressive attack and targeted maliciousness, sometimes from those you trust the most, and still find a way to get up, hold your faith, surrender your guard, learn and move forward anyway.

Do I have what it takes to conquer myself?

Life keeps bringing me to my knees….and I pray. I pray for the strength to conquer my fear, to be brave enough to forgive and trust again, to have the courage to face monumental obstacles and odds and rise anyway, to keep surrendering in trust. To be filled with humility, Grace and loving kindness, even for those who have wished me the worst ills and, most especially, for myself.

To be forgiven my mistakes and all those I have wronged, my imperfection and fallibility are constant reminders of my humanity and I am grateful for them and have learned, not always easily, to call them friends. I will never be perfect.

Trust.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

I look out on the horizon. Today, we face challenges like I have never known. I don’t have answers. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other, finding strength from depths within me, not knowing if there is a bridge to support my tired and weary feet, but stepping forward anyway.

Whether I rise or fall, win or fail, it’s all perception really. What is failure but a chance to learn and start again? What is success but a platform to mentor, teach and start again? Always starting anew – a pursuit of consciousness has no end point. It is just an endless sea of constant cycles – rise, fall, ebb, flow, learn, teach – and I am a wanderer carefully riding the tides to and fro….

Krystine McInnes is CEO and Project Director of Athena Farms and Grown Here Farms. Stewarding purpose-driven, change-making projects with a focus on Planet, People, Profit and a commitment to Sustainable Business models.

“Living in the moment brings you a sense of reverence for all of life’s blessings.” Oprah Winfrey

What would you do, who would you become, how would you live your life if every, single moment was a fresh start? If you trusted rather than doubted? If you committed more whole-heartedly to what you wanted, even when what’s coming back to you is what looks like struggle – to lean in anyway, to commit more. Not to recoil in fear, but to find your feet, to firm them on solid ground and to start every moment again, as a recommitment to what you want to create?

Every day I’m reminded to trust the intangible more and more – lean in HARDER. I live in a space of possibilities, I AM a space of possibility – it’s how I create crazy finance solutions that can’t be done, connect dots that are invisible to most, build solutions that seem impossible and live in the miraculous.

That’s not fluff, it’s actually planned, structured and committing to a future I’m creating, not one that is happening to me. Even when the answer is “I don’t know”. Surrender anyway. Commit more to what you want. Commit more deeply.

Nothing takes the sails our of possibility and miracles more than fear. I know it all too well, the pattern that emerges in the process of creating something new. In the beginning, the winds are high, the sails are full and there is nothing stopping me. Then, slowly, adversity hits.

Things don’t go as planned, tries and fails, hits and misses, two steps forward one step back. Doubt starts to set in. Push forward, stay the course, keep going.

Then, the inevitable silence of nothing – nothing moving, nothing seemingly happening, all the doors that were opened have now shut. Where do I go? What way do I turn? The ground beneath gets shaky, uncertainty starts to chatter in the mind. Then fear. Maybe I’m wrong? Maybe all those negative things that swirl in my head about myself every now and again are true. Maybe I’m not enough, maybe I can’t do it, maybe I’ll fail. Self-doubt, uncertainty, fear – possibility’s nemesis.

It’s in these moments that I’m reminded. Possibility requires trust, it requires surrender and a deeper commitment and grit than I have ever known – go deeper. Miracles don’t live in a place of tangibility, you can’t chart them on an excel spreadsheet or explain them in a boardroom. And yet, I know in my heart it’s where I live. The miraculous, the intangible, the possible. Creation. An open heart, a grateful heart, a trusting, surrendered, vulnerable, committed heart.

This isn’t a game. And it isn’t a fluffy ideal of some fantasy world. It’s truth. I know it in my bones, I know it in my spirit. But to trust it? To step into the “I don’t know” and be exposed and vulnerable for the world to see, not knowing if the answer will be yes. Not knowing if I’ll be hurt or wounded. To open anyway.

Being in the possibility isn’t enough though – we can’t just will something to happen, we can’t just focus on it and think that’s all it takes. That’s just the preamble, what comes next is a depth of commitment you’ve never known, complete and total responsibility for your actions, thoughts, part in your relationships and what you have created, a deep ownership of your truth and gifts, intelligence & a willingness to work harder than you ever thought possible and to never, ever give up.

And if you succeed, you do. And if you don’t, you gave it your all, you learned & you’re a better person for it.

Life isn’t meant to be a struggle, it’s meant to be a miracle. I invite all of you to come and play in a space of possibility and miracles with me as we move forward what’s next.

That’s where miracles live. That’s where possibilities unfold in ways unimaginable. When we let go of control, stay the course, stay committed to the outcome, never quit, trust ourselves and when the day goes silent and there doesn’t seem to be another way, to commit more anyway, to love what we want to create more anyway, to open our hearts not knowing if we’ll be hurt anyway. Do it anyway. Love and abundance are intertwined. And what is creation but the birthing of something that we love into the world?

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

“I was once afraid of people saying, “Who does she think she is?” Now I have the courage to stand & say, “THIS is who I am””. Oprah Winfrey.

I’ve been afraid of not being perfect a long time, afraid that all the world will see how fallible I am and somehow persecute me for it.  I know that might sound silly, particularly if you’ve met me – I’m a walking ball of glorious, beautiful imperfection.

But my life is a revolving door of ironies. I have a deep inner need to be accepted, liked and perfect, I want everyone to agree that I’m doing it right, I crave reassurance. But there hasn’t been a societal norm I haven’t wanted to bust free from the minute it’s put on me, I often offend many people in the process, I’m a systems-buster and a visionary and very little I do reaches a place of agreement from anyone, let alone reassurance.

I have a deep fear of sharing my passion and my voice with the world and having everyone turn their backs on me and I will be alone, ridiculed, laughed at. Yet I am compelled to get on a stage any opportunity I get and talk about those things most passionate to me and it’s difficult to get me off it once I start.

I hate the limelight, but have an inner desire to share my message with the world on as many stages as I can find.

And sometimes, I have absolutely no idea what the heck I’m doing and am terrified the world will find out and I’ll be seen as a fraud, a fake.

The funny thing is that most entrepreneurs share these same fears, even the ones with multi-gazillion dollar companies. They all write memoirs about it and I relish in the honesty of it all.

I want to be honest about who I am. I want to live my life with deep integrity to my own truths and my own path. For me, the things that make me great are also the great ironies in this game called life that house my deepest fears.

I don’t believe that we can truly live a life of integrity with our own path unless we fully own those things that are our weaknesses as well as those that make us strong. They are two sides of the same coin. Together is what makes it whole. If I say I am only those things I want everyone to believe about me and I’m dishonest about the rest – what purpose does that serve?

I’m not saying to give those things any power, goodness no. But acknowledging they exist, owning them, communicating them and being ok to tell the truth about them – nothing is more powerful. Nothing takes all the jet engines out of fear than to just tell the truth about it.

I see it all the time in the media – the contradictions that burst wide open in people. The senator who claims family values but is found to have 6 mistresses and a fetish for prostitutes, the pastor who is found to have an entire collection of rather nasty pornography, the perfect family with the perfect image who ends up in a horrific murder suicide. It’s everywhere.

These stories we use to sell the world on our perfection, to fit a box or an idea. To not be judged, to not be seen as imperfect, fallible. We repress them, hide them from the world and sometimes, they burst right through the ceiling.

Who knows how long I’ll want to write this blog, who knows if my opinions may change as my business moves forward and I change and evolve as a leader and a woman in my life. But I know I’ll always want to stand for the truth. As fallible as I am, I know in my heart I do my best to live my values and live my truth everyday. I do my best. And really in the end, I don’t know that I can ask much more of myself than that. Nor can any of us.

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

“In every aspect of our lives, we are always asking ourselves, How am I of value? What is my worth? Yet I believe that worthiness is our birthright.” Oprah Winfrey

Breathe. One in. One out. Just breathe.

I stand on the precipice of everything I want. My desire for a purposeful, passion filled life, creating projects that are driven in social enterprise, grounded in solid business principals & extremely profitable. Planet, people, profits. Serving my mortgage clients in a way that takes care of them, building solutions that solve problems, strategizing financial structures & helping them build wealth.

Running both companies parallel & intertwined, both supporting & feeding the other. Building the right team of strong, committed individuals that serve a greater vision.

I was put on this planet to lead. Have been bossy since the day I was born. Can’t stand to be told what to do. Makes my skin crawl to hear someone tell me it can’t be done that way. See possibility everywhere, strategy everywhere, solutions everywhere. Build business models in my sleep.

So why do I feel like I’m standing at the precipice….but I’ve got my hand on the grenade? Isn’t this everything I wanted?

Worthiness is a funny thing. When does it get beaten out of us?

Who knows what stories we all have about whatever our pasts are, really in the end they don’t matter. What happens happens, it is what it is – it’s what we make it mean about ourselves that does the real damage. And we carry that damage with us, sometimes for our entire lives.

I have my hand on the grenade because everything I’ve worked so hard for is happening, is manifesting, after years of struggle & successes followed by failures & getting up & dusting off & going again & the hardest most arduous journey of my lifetime. Here it is. The next level. And I can almost not stand my own success.

It terrifies me. It rests above the pit of I’m-not-worth-it-ness that is hidden deep below. Will everyone see how unworthy I am if I step into the light?

How can I let that amount of love & abundance & connection into my heart & still stay in control? I can’t. My vulnerability is triggered, my terror to let it all in & then suffer loss, have my heart broken in two, have my dreams ripped to shreds & chewed up & spit back to me – I’m not sure I could take it. I’m not sure I would survive. Need to stay guarded, stay strong, stay impenetrable. And yet I know that I can’t either.

How can I possibly let myself receive the immensity, the vastness, the greatness, the awesomeness of everything my heart desires? Aren’t I supposed to struggle, aren’t dreams fulfilled for fairy tales & fiction & not for me?

Just breathe. Time to call in my support systems, get on the phone with my mentors. Give myself some time to be nurtured & filled up & take care of me. Gently now. Slowly. It might take a few days, in fact it has been almost a week of this energy that I haven’t broken free of. But I can’t rush it, if I do, the grenade drops.

Breathe in. Breathe out. What’s the purpose again? Why am I doing all of this again? Connect with the purpose – remember what it’s all for Krystine. For the family you want to build, for the life you want to live, for the God-given purpose you are here to fulfill. Breathe it in. Visualize. Connect. Calm…

Now, slowly. Ever…so…slowly. Put the pin back in. Gently now. Put it down.

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

“If you just keep breathing, you cannot be conquered”. Oprah Winfrey

I am starving. Starving for something I can’t  describe. Food won’t fill it, wine won’t numb it, work won’t drown it out.

Its a hungering from deep within me. One I’ve long heard & past ignored, worked on top of, drown out with behaviours to numb it.

I noticed myself slipping recently. Reverting to some old behaviours – things I used to do to hurt myself. Goodness knows why – my I don’t deserve it units or I’m not worth it units having a field day in my psyche.

Picking apart my mind until I’ve fallen back far enough to satisfy that sabotaging voice.

It’s the subtleties that make the difference.

When I see those old thoughts & behaviours creeping in. It happens gradually – a compromise here, a missed commitment there, a deadline passed, a promise broken.

This is where failure happens – not at the finish line, but in all the subtleties in between start & end.

When the crossroads in my mind between my desire for a passion filled, purposeful life meets my deeper feelings of unworthiness.

Something is different this time though. Something has changed. My awareness has deepened, my support systems wide & vast, my team strong, my vision clear.

And my desire – to want something more, to be willing to confront the darkest parts of myself with compassion & conviction & deep surrender, to turn my life over to a greater service, to a higher path. It is insatiable. I will not yield.

I’m too committed. I’ve crossed the line in my own desire for a purpose driven life, for meaning, depth, leaving everything on the table, living on the skinny branch.

I am afraid – goodness how afraid I am, terrified really. The decisions I must make are hard, the road has been long, there is no sign of rest soon & I must remain highly conscious of myself so that I don’t become my own worst enemy. I must manage my mind & cannot trust my thoughts.

But fear & success move like the stream & the rocks within it. They are intertwined. They are inevitable friends not foes.

Lean into it Krystine. Feel the fear & lean in harder. Trust this path, this committed vision, this quest to guide me through.

I am a weary traveller searching for my way home, lost a little as night has fallen & I am nowhere near – listen to the wind, let it guide me. Let the trees give me shelter & the land nourish me. Lean in. Lean in. Lean in.

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

 

“Often we don’t even realize who we’re meant to be because we’re so busy trying to live out someone else’s ideas. But other people & their opinions hold no power in defining our destiny.” Oprah Winfrey

There’s a certain kind of loneliness that comes with diving head first into creating something with purpose & mission. It’s not the kind I could describe so much in words, it’s like a mist that slowly moves into my orbit, until it’s clouded my view & then I see that I’m immersed in it.

Most times, it’s not in moments when I’m alone at all, it’s in moments when I’m with family or friends, maybe a Saturday night with a few drinks, maybe out on a date with a new boyfriend – where I feel myself so separately from them, so far away. I see the compromises I make in order to stay where I am, the withholding of my own truth so that I don’t rock the boat in the relationships. And I feel the consequences of the derailment from what I’m creating as a result.

Where I say yes, & if I truly am committed to what I want, the answer was really no. Because it compromises me too much, derails me too far from my path.

Yes, I’ll have another glass of wine. And then miss a day that I need to focus because my head hurts. Yes, it’s ok that you’re disrespecting my time. No it’s not – & I’m wasting time that I could be focusing on what I want to create by even entertaining it. Yes, it’s ok if I work all weekend, even though I know I need a break to recharge so I can be filled up.  Yes, yes, yes – compromise, compromise, compromise.

I’m upset with myself for the compromises. It makes it abundantly obvious where my commitment is failing. Am I too hard on myself? Yes. But greatness demands 100%, not 60% because everyone else is comfortable with doing less.  I’m not. And I know what it takes. And right now, I’m failing.  It might not look like it on the outside, but I can see it. I’m off by 1 degree right now, we’re moving so rapidly, growing so rapidly that 1 degree will be 30 if I don’t adjust now. Move now. Crisis manage now.

I’m failing in my commitment, I’m failing in my determination, I’m failing in engaging my team at the level they need to support this company & these projects, I’m failing in being able to stand up, say no, mean it, own it & be totally fine with all the judgments & accusations, & misinterpretations of that that may come. Even if who they come from are those closest to me. I have to be ok being seen as a bitch, as demanding, as out of my mind, as stuffy, as “too much”, as angry, as mean, as cold, as unemotional, as a hardass. Whatever they are, I’ve got to be ok with that. Can I be?

Something has to give.

I can choose to keep doing what I’m doing – pretending to be what everyone wants me to be & suffering inside all the time as a result. Or I can choose to be who I really am, without apology, & become more committed to my path fully.

It seems like an easy choice, I know this too. But it’s not for me.

I try so hard to balance it all. I know something has to give – that something is me.  What am I committed to?

In these times, when that loneliness fog creeps in, it’s hard for me to know. I’m craving that kind of embrace that says “it’s all going to be ok, just stay here with me for a while”, that feeling of escape from the outside world to a place of comfort & ease. But what follows it is another voice that says “well, you tried your best”, then another “it just wasn’t meant to be”, and another “maybe next time”. Those are the voices of failure. And comfort & failure are great friends, they exchange notes in the back room I’m sure of it. Giving in to comfort, ease, escape – it’s like the voice of the snake, luring me away from what I know I need to do – as hard as it may be.

Hasn’t it already been hard enough? How badly do I want this?

It’d be easy for me to say yes & put my ambitions down & never pick them up again. Breaking through is hard. There’s nothing wrong with a comfortable life – I’d have a good career, make some money, take care of some clients, build a family, have a decent life. Why do I want more than that?

But I’ve seen it so often – those people, we all have them in our lives, who’ve done just that. Wanted to be something, wanted to create something, had a purpose or a calling deep within them – but the waters got choppy & the fear got high & instead, they chose a less-risky life, a “safer” life. I see those people & I know that that kind of life is a death sentence for me. Hallow behind the eyes, only in few moments do they show life again. Pushing down anger, resentment, hiding their real aspirations so far down they make themselves sick. No.

I know what I need to do. I know how hard it is going to be for me to do it. To lean into that loneliness & call it my friend. To not know how long I’ll need to stay there. To not know if I’ll ever make it out.

To crave the comfort of a family & a home & the smell of turkey roasting in the oven & children playing in the yard. And to know that I have to fight that craving, I have to fight through that desire for all that is comfortable to get somewhere I’ve never been before, to the unknown, to who knows what’s next.

Today, all I want is comfort. All I want is to know it’s going to be ok. To not feel so alone, so scared or so uncertain. For just a little while.

But tomorrow the sun rises & a new day begins. New choices are made, new people met, new opportunities moved forward. If I keep my feet steady, one foot in front of the other, leaning in hard to the wind, perhaps I’ll make it through….

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

“Let your light shine. Shine within you so that it can shine on someone else. Let your light shine. ” Oprah Winfrey.

Am I brave enough to live my truth, fully in the light? Vulnerable? Wide open? Exposed for all to see – my flaws, my weaknesses, my intelligence, my power, my hearts deepest desire to create beauty & harmony & more love in the world with projects that matter?

Sometimes….I scare myself with how powerful I am, with the things I want to create, with how quickly I manifest them into being. It scares me & I pull back in fear. Should I be so bold? So daring? So audacious? Why can’t I be happy in a simple life with a simple home & simple goals? Why do I have this desire within me to build & create. It would be easier on me if I could just shrink down & pretend my life away.

I’ve lived that way a long time.

Am I brave enough to really do this?  Sure enough? Committed enough to quiet the voices that tear me down inside my own head like little mini-anchors all tied into me, holding me in one place.  I fight daily to rip myself free.

Lately, I’ve felt that freedom.  When I look in my life at my own happiness, I can see it clearly – where I am most happy is when I am fully accessing my capacity, immersed in pushing my potential to the next level, leading my ship, driving towards something I’m told I can’t do.  Not to prove something to anyone at all.  But because I have a knowing within me that I can solve this problem.  I have the key for a lock that is screaming for me to open it.  Most often, I have ignored it. Though it burns through me incessantly, begging me to pour just a little of the light I am withholding.

In these times, when I have ignored that deep knowing, I then push myself into places that are not so nurturing.  Maybe it’s a toxic relationship, bad eating habit, half-met commitments, disenfranchised, hardened outlook, poor decision after poor decision – until I am riddled in my own unhappiness desperate to find my way out.

The key.

I’ve always had it.  And in it – when I am operating at my highest capacity – I am my happiest, I am my most filled with joy, freedom, love, clarity.  Like the inside of a tornado, it makes me calm. I have peace there.  I am most clear there. I am my best version of myself. I am so filled with joy I can almost not stand it.

Give me a 9-5 job & I want to slit my wrists.  Put me mid-stream into 3 high-level projects while pushing my mortgage volumes to the next level of breakthrough – I’ve never been happier in my life.  And it’s a strange thing, I’m also the least stressed, the most relaxed, calm, centered.  I see with my whole vision there, there is no drama there (there’s no room for drama).  Things work there, structure holds, efficiencies met, profit made.  Give me the former & it’s like plugging 50,000 volts into a 10 volt socket – no comprendioso.  Circuit blown.

But I have been so frightened to live there.  So frightened of what others will think of me – of the judgment, the opinion, the ridicule.  The people around me who always show up to tell me I’m doing it wrong or it can’t be done that way, or roll their eyes & secretly tell their friends of my impending demise while smiling to my face.

My deeper knowing says that they are just reflecting back to me the demons that haunt my own mind, nothing more.  But that unnerves me deeper – my mind is full of these dark shadows lurking in dark corners, waiting for a moment of doubt to move for my jugular.  How quickly I would be my own demise.

I don’t know why it affects me so, such a silly fear really.  But all the same, in the end I really just want to be normal & loved & accepted.  That might sound……weak or disempowered or whatever, but really it’s just my truth.

Can I really do this? Facing the mountain of my own self-doubt head on.  We are taking on a new project launch with a very, very tight timeline for execution, our Athena Organic Farm & Eco-Retreat.  It’s a big deal.  We’re running a big campaign.  This project will be on a stage – I will be on a stage. Do I have what it takes?  Am I ready for this? To live my life wide open. To shine brightly now, not shrinking, not hidden, not talking but walking & living my truth out in the daylight.

There’s no turning back now.  As I have had a taste of the depth of my joy & bliss as I live more & more of my truth, I can’t turn back. To turn back & play small & pretend my life away now would be a death sentence.  There is no other way onward than forward. I don’t know if I will succeed or fail. But forwards I will go….into the blissful unknown.  Shall I meet my end there?  I don’t know…

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca