“In every aspect of our lives, we are always asking ourselves, How am I of value? What is my worth? Yet I believe that worthiness is our birthright.” Oprah Winfrey

Breathe. One in. One out. Just breathe.

I stand on the precipice of everything I want. My desire for a purposeful, passion filled life, creating projects that are driven in social enterprise, grounded in solid business principals & extremely profitable. Planet, people, profits. Serving my mortgage clients in a way that takes care of them, building solutions that solve problems, strategizing financial structures & helping them build wealth.

Running both companies parallel & intertwined, both supporting & feeding the other. Building the right team of strong, committed individuals that serve a greater vision.

I was put on this planet to lead. Have been bossy since the day I was born. Can’t stand to be told what to do. Makes my skin crawl to hear someone tell me it can’t be done that way. See possibility everywhere, strategy everywhere, solutions everywhere. Build business models in my sleep.

So why do I feel like I’m standing at the precipice….but I’ve got my hand on the grenade? Isn’t this everything I wanted?

Worthiness is a funny thing. When does it get beaten out of us?

Who knows what stories we all have about whatever our pasts are, really in the end they don’t matter. What happens happens, it is what it is – it’s what we make it mean about ourselves that does the real damage. And we carry that damage with us, sometimes for our entire lives.

I have my hand on the grenade because everything I’ve worked so hard for is happening, is manifesting, after years of struggle & successes followed by failures & getting up & dusting off & going again & the hardest most arduous journey of my lifetime. Here it is. The next level. And I can almost not stand my own success.

It terrifies me. It rests above the pit of I’m-not-worth-it-ness that is hidden deep below. Will everyone see how unworthy I am if I step into the light?

How can I let that amount of love & abundance & connection into my heart & still stay in control? I can’t. My vulnerability is triggered, my terror to let it all in & then suffer loss, have my heart broken in two, have my dreams ripped to shreds & chewed up & spit back to me – I’m not sure I could take it. I’m not sure I would survive. Need to stay guarded, stay strong, stay impenetrable. And yet I know that I can’t either.

How can I possibly let myself receive the immensity, the vastness, the greatness, the awesomeness of everything my heart desires? Aren’t I supposed to struggle, aren’t dreams fulfilled for fairy tales & fiction & not for me?

Just breathe. Time to call in my support systems, get on the phone with my mentors. Give myself some time to be nurtured & filled up & take care of me. Gently now. Slowly. It might take a few days, in fact it has been almost a week of this energy that I haven’t broken free of. But I can’t rush it, if I do, the grenade drops.

Breathe in. Breathe out. What’s the purpose again? Why am I doing all of this again? Connect with the purpose – remember what it’s all for Krystine. For the family you want to build, for the life you want to live, for the God-given purpose you are here to fulfill. Breathe it in. Visualize. Connect. Calm…

Now, slowly. Ever…so…slowly. Put the pin back in. Gently now. Put it down.

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

“If you just keep breathing, you cannot be conquered”. Oprah Winfrey

I am starving. Starving for something I can’t  describe. Food won’t fill it, wine won’t numb it, work won’t drown it out.

Its a hungering from deep within me. One I’ve long heard & past ignored, worked on top of, drown out with behaviours to numb it.

I noticed myself slipping recently. Reverting to some old behaviours – things I used to do to hurt myself. Goodness knows why – my I don’t deserve it units or I’m not worth it units having a field day in my psyche.

Picking apart my mind until I’ve fallen back far enough to satisfy that sabotaging voice.

It’s the subtleties that make the difference.

When I see those old thoughts & behaviours creeping in. It happens gradually – a compromise here, a missed commitment there, a deadline passed, a promise broken.

This is where failure happens – not at the finish line, but in all the subtleties in between start & end.

When the crossroads in my mind between my desire for a passion filled, purposeful life meets my deeper feelings of unworthiness.

Something is different this time though. Something has changed. My awareness has deepened, my support systems wide & vast, my team strong, my vision clear.

And my desire – to want something more, to be willing to confront the darkest parts of myself with compassion & conviction & deep surrender, to turn my life over to a greater service, to a higher path. It is insatiable. I will not yield.

I’m too committed. I’ve crossed the line in my own desire for a purpose driven life, for meaning, depth, leaving everything on the table, living on the skinny branch.

I am afraid – goodness how afraid I am, terrified really. The decisions I must make are hard, the road has been long, there is no sign of rest soon & I must remain highly conscious of myself so that I don’t become my own worst enemy. I must manage my mind & cannot trust my thoughts.

But fear & success move like the stream & the rocks within it. They are intertwined. They are inevitable friends not foes.

Lean into it Krystine. Feel the fear & lean in harder. Trust this path, this committed vision, this quest to guide me through.

I am a weary traveller searching for my way home, lost a little as night has fallen & I am nowhere near – listen to the wind, let it guide me. Let the trees give me shelter & the land nourish me. Lean in. Lean in. Lean in.

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

 

“Surround yourself with people who will only lift you higher” Oprah Winfrey.

Leadership skill: owning your power & greatness. Lots of people think that if they make money it will solve all of their problems. If that’s you, stop it…immediately. It’s the single most dis-empowering thing you can do to yourself.  Here’s why.

If you’re a person who thinks “if only I made X dollars, all of the Y problems in my life would be solved” – you are not only delusional, but you are single-handedly keeping yourself away from the very thing you think you want. Money.

People who build success don’t just think or know, but vibrate in every cell of their being that they are absolutely responsible for their own success, they own their power, they create their reality & they fully commit to do whatever it takes, tenaciously, relentlessly, to cross the line.

When you make a statement like the pathetic & disempowering one I mentioned, you are a victim, you have given your power away & you are at the effect of “life” who “dealt you a bad hand”, “didn’t give you better parents”, “gives everyone else the easy road”, etc, etc, etc. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Everyone is dealt the hand they’re dealt, it’s what you do with it that matters.  People who build success know the only one responsible for their success is them, and they firmly take the reigns of their ship & own it – good, bad & ugly.  Nothing is more empowering than true ownership.

How do you know if you’re truly owning your power & your greatness? It’s simple – you’ll be creating results & those results will be nurturing you. And when you are owning your results, owning your power, owning your brilliance & your vision, the money will follow.

I always find it so funny how easily I can be derailed because someone makes a comment or has an opinion or a judgment. They want to tell me what I should do, or how they think things should go.  In those moments, I get angry.  Not because of what they say, but because I shrink, I give my power away & I don’t fully own who I am, my capacity, my brilliance, my absolute razor sharp vision & intuition.  I shrink, then I doubt, then I start to change things.  I’m angry because in those moments, I have given my power away & am not in my true Ownership.

The truth is, I am a brilliant manifestor of exponential growth, I build wealth easily for my clients, I have vision for what’s next that is incredibly accurate & I make connections that are unseen by others.  I am powerful.  I am a formidable opponent in a boardroom. I am so highly intelligent that it borders on mad scientist. And my capacity is massive enough to steward a global company worth hundreds of millions, if not into the billions. And I can do it all in balance with my relationships, my health & my sanity, from the calm & from the deeply, deeply feminine, while also having a deeply nurtured spiritual self & a family.

And in all of that, I am absolutely terrified to truly own it.  My fear is I’ll be seen as a tyrant, I’ll be judged, I will be alone because no man could stand beside a woman like that, I should play small if I want to have a family & hide my power so I don’t make a man insecure around me.  These are actual thoughts that go through my head….daily.

Its hard, for me, to be in my ownership all the time.  But every day I take another stride forward, another stand for me, another opportunity to thank the peanut gallery for sharing and direct them to the comment box of “I don’t give a shit” & just truly own that THIS is the way I do it.  I didn’t say it was the right way, but it’s my way.  And this is my life, my path, my terms and there are no scripts in life.

My Universe & I have a clear connection & I know my path.  Yes, it might look a little wacky, maybe even downright crazy. But I don’t believe we were put on this planet to conform, I believe we are here to stretch the wings of our creative potential, to break the norms, to bust the conformity wide open, to take a stand for our own uniqueness in a sea of the same & soar, wild & free.

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca