“In every aspect of our lives, we are always asking ourselves, How am I of value? What is my worth? Yet I believe that worthiness is our birthright.” Oprah Winfrey

Breathe. One in. One out. Just breathe.

I stand on the precipice of everything I want. My desire for a purposeful, passion filled life, creating projects that are driven in social enterprise, grounded in solid business principals & extremely profitable. Planet, people, profits. Serving my mortgage clients in a way that takes care of them, building solutions that solve problems, strategizing financial structures & helping them build wealth.

Running both companies parallel & intertwined, both supporting & feeding the other. Building the right team of strong, committed individuals that serve a greater vision.

I was put on this planet to lead. Have been bossy since the day I was born. Can’t stand to be told what to do. Makes my skin crawl to hear someone tell me it can’t be done that way. See possibility everywhere, strategy everywhere, solutions everywhere. Build business models in my sleep.

So why do I feel like I’m standing at the precipice….but I’ve got my hand on the grenade? Isn’t this everything I wanted?

Worthiness is a funny thing. When does it get beaten out of us?

Who knows what stories we all have about whatever our pasts are, really in the end they don’t matter. What happens happens, it is what it is – it’s what we make it mean about ourselves that does the real damage. And we carry that damage with us, sometimes for our entire lives.

I have my hand on the grenade because everything I’ve worked so hard for is happening, is manifesting, after years of struggle & successes followed by failures & getting up & dusting off & going again & the hardest most arduous journey of my lifetime. Here it is. The next level. And I can almost not stand my own success.

It terrifies me. It rests above the pit of I’m-not-worth-it-ness that is hidden deep below. Will everyone see how unworthy I am if I step into the light?

How can I let that amount of love & abundance & connection into my heart & still stay in control? I can’t. My vulnerability is triggered, my terror to let it all in & then suffer loss, have my heart broken in two, have my dreams ripped to shreds & chewed up & spit back to me – I’m not sure I could take it. I’m not sure I would survive. Need to stay guarded, stay strong, stay impenetrable. And yet I know that I can’t either.

How can I possibly let myself receive the immensity, the vastness, the greatness, the awesomeness of everything my heart desires? Aren’t I supposed to struggle, aren’t dreams fulfilled for fairy tales & fiction & not for me?

Just breathe. Time to call in my support systems, get on the phone with my mentors. Give myself some time to be nurtured & filled up & take care of me. Gently now. Slowly. It might take a few days, in fact it has been almost a week of this energy that I haven’t broken free of. But I can’t rush it, if I do, the grenade drops.

Breathe in. Breathe out. What’s the purpose again? Why am I doing all of this again? Connect with the purpose – remember what it’s all for Krystine. For the family you want to build, for the life you want to live, for the God-given purpose you are here to fulfill. Breathe it in. Visualize. Connect. Calm…

Now, slowly. Ever…so…slowly. Put the pin back in. Gently now. Put it down.

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

“If you just keep breathing, you cannot be conquered”. Oprah Winfrey

I am starving. Starving for something I can’t  describe. Food won’t fill it, wine won’t numb it, work won’t drown it out.

Its a hungering from deep within me. One I’ve long heard & past ignored, worked on top of, drown out with behaviours to numb it.

I noticed myself slipping recently. Reverting to some old behaviours – things I used to do to hurt myself. Goodness knows why – my I don’t deserve it units or I’m not worth it units having a field day in my psyche.

Picking apart my mind until I’ve fallen back far enough to satisfy that sabotaging voice.

It’s the subtleties that make the difference.

When I see those old thoughts & behaviours creeping in. It happens gradually – a compromise here, a missed commitment there, a deadline passed, a promise broken.

This is where failure happens – not at the finish line, but in all the subtleties in between start & end.

When the crossroads in my mind between my desire for a passion filled, purposeful life meets my deeper feelings of unworthiness.

Something is different this time though. Something has changed. My awareness has deepened, my support systems wide & vast, my team strong, my vision clear.

And my desire – to want something more, to be willing to confront the darkest parts of myself with compassion & conviction & deep surrender, to turn my life over to a greater service, to a higher path. It is insatiable. I will not yield.

I’m too committed. I’ve crossed the line in my own desire for a purpose driven life, for meaning, depth, leaving everything on the table, living on the skinny branch.

I am afraid – goodness how afraid I am, terrified really. The decisions I must make are hard, the road has been long, there is no sign of rest soon & I must remain highly conscious of myself so that I don’t become my own worst enemy. I must manage my mind & cannot trust my thoughts.

But fear & success move like the stream & the rocks within it. They are intertwined. They are inevitable friends not foes.

Lean into it Krystine. Feel the fear & lean in harder. Trust this path, this committed vision, this quest to guide me through.

I am a weary traveller searching for my way home, lost a little as night has fallen & I am nowhere near – listen to the wind, let it guide me. Let the trees give me shelter & the land nourish me. Lean in. Lean in. Lean in.

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

 

“Often we don’t even realize who we’re meant to be because we’re so busy trying to live out someone else’s ideas. But other people & their opinions hold no power in defining our destiny.” Oprah Winfrey

There’s a certain kind of loneliness that comes with diving head first into creating something with purpose & mission. It’s not the kind I could describe so much in words, it’s like a mist that slowly moves into my orbit, until it’s clouded my view & then I see that I’m immersed in it.

Most times, it’s not in moments when I’m alone at all, it’s in moments when I’m with family or friends, maybe a Saturday night with a few drinks, maybe out on a date with a new boyfriend – where I feel myself so separately from them, so far away. I see the compromises I make in order to stay where I am, the withholding of my own truth so that I don’t rock the boat in the relationships. And I feel the consequences of the derailment from what I’m creating as a result.

Where I say yes, & if I truly am committed to what I want, the answer was really no. Because it compromises me too much, derails me too far from my path.

Yes, I’ll have another glass of wine. And then miss a day that I need to focus because my head hurts. Yes, it’s ok that you’re disrespecting my time. No it’s not – & I’m wasting time that I could be focusing on what I want to create by even entertaining it. Yes, it’s ok if I work all weekend, even though I know I need a break to recharge so I can be filled up.  Yes, yes, yes – compromise, compromise, compromise.

I’m upset with myself for the compromises. It makes it abundantly obvious where my commitment is failing. Am I too hard on myself? Yes. But greatness demands 100%, not 60% because everyone else is comfortable with doing less.  I’m not. And I know what it takes. And right now, I’m failing.  It might not look like it on the outside, but I can see it. I’m off by 1 degree right now, we’re moving so rapidly, growing so rapidly that 1 degree will be 30 if I don’t adjust now. Move now. Crisis manage now.

I’m failing in my commitment, I’m failing in my determination, I’m failing in engaging my team at the level they need to support this company & these projects, I’m failing in being able to stand up, say no, mean it, own it & be totally fine with all the judgments & accusations, & misinterpretations of that that may come. Even if who they come from are those closest to me. I have to be ok being seen as a bitch, as demanding, as out of my mind, as stuffy, as “too much”, as angry, as mean, as cold, as unemotional, as a hardass. Whatever they are, I’ve got to be ok with that. Can I be?

Something has to give.

I can choose to keep doing what I’m doing – pretending to be what everyone wants me to be & suffering inside all the time as a result. Or I can choose to be who I really am, without apology, & become more committed to my path fully.

It seems like an easy choice, I know this too. But it’s not for me.

I try so hard to balance it all. I know something has to give – that something is me.  What am I committed to?

In these times, when that loneliness fog creeps in, it’s hard for me to know. I’m craving that kind of embrace that says “it’s all going to be ok, just stay here with me for a while”, that feeling of escape from the outside world to a place of comfort & ease. But what follows it is another voice that says “well, you tried your best”, then another “it just wasn’t meant to be”, and another “maybe next time”. Those are the voices of failure. And comfort & failure are great friends, they exchange notes in the back room I’m sure of it. Giving in to comfort, ease, escape – it’s like the voice of the snake, luring me away from what I know I need to do – as hard as it may be.

Hasn’t it already been hard enough? How badly do I want this?

It’d be easy for me to say yes & put my ambitions down & never pick them up again. Breaking through is hard. There’s nothing wrong with a comfortable life – I’d have a good career, make some money, take care of some clients, build a family, have a decent life. Why do I want more than that?

But I’ve seen it so often – those people, we all have them in our lives, who’ve done just that. Wanted to be something, wanted to create something, had a purpose or a calling deep within them – but the waters got choppy & the fear got high & instead, they chose a less-risky life, a “safer” life. I see those people & I know that that kind of life is a death sentence for me. Hallow behind the eyes, only in few moments do they show life again. Pushing down anger, resentment, hiding their real aspirations so far down they make themselves sick. No.

I know what I need to do. I know how hard it is going to be for me to do it. To lean into that loneliness & call it my friend. To not know how long I’ll need to stay there. To not know if I’ll ever make it out.

To crave the comfort of a family & a home & the smell of turkey roasting in the oven & children playing in the yard. And to know that I have to fight that craving, I have to fight through that desire for all that is comfortable to get somewhere I’ve never been before, to the unknown, to who knows what’s next.

Today, all I want is comfort. All I want is to know it’s going to be ok. To not feel so alone, so scared or so uncertain. For just a little while.

But tomorrow the sun rises & a new day begins. New choices are made, new people met, new opportunities moved forward. If I keep my feet steady, one foot in front of the other, leaning in hard to the wind, perhaps I’ll make it through….

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

“Let your light shine. Shine within you so that it can shine on someone else. Let your light shine. ” Oprah Winfrey.

Am I brave enough to live my truth, fully in the light? Vulnerable? Wide open? Exposed for all to see – my flaws, my weaknesses, my intelligence, my power, my hearts deepest desire to create beauty & harmony & more love in the world with projects that matter?

Sometimes….I scare myself with how powerful I am, with the things I want to create, with how quickly I manifest them into being. It scares me & I pull back in fear. Should I be so bold? So daring? So audacious? Why can’t I be happy in a simple life with a simple home & simple goals? Why do I have this desire within me to build & create. It would be easier on me if I could just shrink down & pretend my life away.

I’ve lived that way a long time.

Am I brave enough to really do this?  Sure enough? Committed enough to quiet the voices that tear me down inside my own head like little mini-anchors all tied into me, holding me in one place.  I fight daily to rip myself free.

Lately, I’ve felt that freedom.  When I look in my life at my own happiness, I can see it clearly – where I am most happy is when I am fully accessing my capacity, immersed in pushing my potential to the next level, leading my ship, driving towards something I’m told I can’t do.  Not to prove something to anyone at all.  But because I have a knowing within me that I can solve this problem.  I have the key for a lock that is screaming for me to open it.  Most often, I have ignored it. Though it burns through me incessantly, begging me to pour just a little of the light I am withholding.

In these times, when I have ignored that deep knowing, I then push myself into places that are not so nurturing.  Maybe it’s a toxic relationship, bad eating habit, half-met commitments, disenfranchised, hardened outlook, poor decision after poor decision – until I am riddled in my own unhappiness desperate to find my way out.

The key.

I’ve always had it.  And in it – when I am operating at my highest capacity – I am my happiest, I am my most filled with joy, freedom, love, clarity.  Like the inside of a tornado, it makes me calm. I have peace there.  I am most clear there. I am my best version of myself. I am so filled with joy I can almost not stand it.

Give me a 9-5 job & I want to slit my wrists.  Put me mid-stream into 3 high-level projects while pushing my mortgage volumes to the next level of breakthrough – I’ve never been happier in my life.  And it’s a strange thing, I’m also the least stressed, the most relaxed, calm, centered.  I see with my whole vision there, there is no drama there (there’s no room for drama).  Things work there, structure holds, efficiencies met, profit made.  Give me the former & it’s like plugging 50,000 volts into a 10 volt socket – no comprendioso.  Circuit blown.

But I have been so frightened to live there.  So frightened of what others will think of me – of the judgment, the opinion, the ridicule.  The people around me who always show up to tell me I’m doing it wrong or it can’t be done that way, or roll their eyes & secretly tell their friends of my impending demise while smiling to my face.

My deeper knowing says that they are just reflecting back to me the demons that haunt my own mind, nothing more.  But that unnerves me deeper – my mind is full of these dark shadows lurking in dark corners, waiting for a moment of doubt to move for my jugular.  How quickly I would be my own demise.

I don’t know why it affects me so, such a silly fear really.  But all the same, in the end I really just want to be normal & loved & accepted.  That might sound……weak or disempowered or whatever, but really it’s just my truth.

Can I really do this? Facing the mountain of my own self-doubt head on.  We are taking on a new project launch with a very, very tight timeline for execution, our Athena Organic Farm & Eco-Retreat.  It’s a big deal.  We’re running a big campaign.  This project will be on a stage – I will be on a stage. Do I have what it takes?  Am I ready for this? To live my life wide open. To shine brightly now, not shrinking, not hidden, not talking but walking & living my truth out in the daylight.

There’s no turning back now.  As I have had a taste of the depth of my joy & bliss as I live more & more of my truth, I can’t turn back. To turn back & play small & pretend my life away now would be a death sentence.  There is no other way onward than forward. I don’t know if I will succeed or fail. But forwards I will go….into the blissful unknown.  Shall I meet my end there?  I don’t know…

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

 

“You are built not to shrink down to less but to blossom into more.” Oprah Winfrey.

Leadership skill: Staying the course. I didn’t realize that taking the plunge to start a Blog & shout out to the universe what I wanted without fear or apology, not dimming it down, but being the full expression of it, would become a journey back to my Wild Feminine, back to my essence, my intuition, my Spirit.

That it would open me in ways I can’t fully describe, sacred ways…ancient ways.  That it would plunge me head on into a transformation that my Spirit has been calling to me, I think since I was put on this planet & return me back to myself – my Self.

And that I would begin to blossom, slowly at first, with a few scrapes & bruises, but slowly….to feel the blossoming of my soul into this Wild, Feminine, unapologetic creature with unbounded, relentless soul & a business mind to be reckoned with.  I used to hide these parts of myself.

How could I be taken seriously if I am so feminine?  How can I be a business woman & laugh & play & act a little kooky while putting a deal together?  How could I create win/win/win’s in everything I do without compromising my soul to do it?

I live in a world where so many things reverberate back to me the opposite of my deeply held beliefs.  Things like – you have to take what you can, there isn’t enough, to be in business you have to screw people over, get your head out of the clouds business isn’t personal, it’s just business.

I don’t hold the belief in a La-La Land, but I do hold the belief that with some thought, care, love & a great group of intelligent people who have a desire to do things differently but also understand the way the world works & know how to create success can honest to goodness change the world.

That’s not a pipe dream & it’s not a fabrication of my imagination & I’m not some silly girl with pie in the sky ideas, which very honestly is what I thought of myself for a long time.  That is, until I started to see all the things in my intuition I knew were next start to manifest.

I saw markets shift before they shifted, I saw opportunities before they were recognized, I saw solutions where everyone else said there were just problems, I saw ways to make it work that were win/win/win with a few adjustments here & there to a model that could be effective & efficient.  But I didn’t trust myself.  I didn’t listen to my intuition, I wanted everyone around me to agree with me before I’d move forward.  And I did a great job at creating all the wrong people around me who could only see the negative, the can’t, the problem, to be extra sure I wouldn’t bloom too far forward.

And one after another, I’ve seen the market shift in exactly the way I predicted, the opportunity become recognized & capitalized by someone else, the solutions be built & the success be had – by others.  While I sat on the sidelines.

This journey, this return back to myself – to embracing my wild, my crazy, my moon-influenced behavior, my rational irrationality, my ebb, my flow, my razor sharp focus, my lightening fast connections, my deep intuition – it has led me further away from what I thought I should become &, miraculously, returned something I thought I’d lost long ago.  Something I had felt stripped of, ripped from, raped & pillaged of & never could really quite articulate.  My deep, feminine knowing. The truth beyond illusions, the deeper meaning of it all, the “what’s not being said”, the love withheld.

And rather than not trusting it, I am listening to it & following it….to some very interesting places.  Stay the course….steady this ship of mine, the waves of doubt are vast & heavy, the uncertainty is stifling, the air is thick & hot with fear & yet I press on.  What task to unfold in this next initiation – it could bring me to my knees….it could bring me to my feet….it could rip my heart in half & serve it back to me, it could take my broken heart & heal those wounds for me.  I don’t know….

 

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

“I am a woman in process. I try to take every conflict, every experience, & learn from it. Life is never dull.” Oprah Winfrey.

Leadership skill: execution. It’s great to have a great idea, but if you don’t bring it across the line into being, it stays right there in idea-ville, where eventually it coughs & dies.  An idea is really just the first 10%, the rest is building team, solving problems, managing psychology & psyche & execution.

How many tries & fails? How many almosts but not quites? How many stories have you heard from friends or relatives or associates that tell you about their “great idea” that is “sure to make millions”.

Whenever I hear those ideas,that’s usually my queue to run.  Or turn on my polite & demure hat where I play stupid for 15 of the longest minutes of my life to listen, while every fibre of my being wants to poke bazooka sized holes in this idiotic rendition of an idea I’m painstakingly listening to.

The truth is, most people have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about, what it takes to bring the seed through to fruition or how much they will be tested, trialed, chewed up & spit out in the process.  I definitely know I would have never signed up had I had any full knowledge of what the ride was going to look like.  Words like perseverance, iron stomach, tenacity, determination, responsibility, commitment, ownership – they don’t even begin to describe it.

Today, of all days, I have been tested in my development company on one of our projects.  Two deals live, then collapsed.  Two important deals.  Two extremely important deals. Two, holy bananas thank God these deals came through because I was feeling on my last legs to stand here, have collapsed.  And I’m back at the beginning, further behind then when I started no answers, no new deals in sight, no solution. Scared. Alone. Uncertain of what’s next.

It’s easy to shout hurrah when you’re winning, but what about when what shows up is a loss, followed by another loss & another & another, until you feel so beaten up you’re not sure you can stand again? In my experience, this is really where the rubber meets the pavement in creating what you want to create.  And it’s not easy.

My frightened parts, emotionally immature self wants to vacate. Push the eject button, go on a 3 day bender, go hang out in pity party-ville, ignore the pink elephant in the room charging for me, pretend it’s all ok, sink down into a depression & give up because it’s just too hard.  And I won’t lie, I’m certain I spent quite a bit of time there for at least a day or 2, sometimes you just need a little permission to go on a pity party….as long as it has an expiry…

My empowered feminine self is quieter today, rocked a little, uncertain a lot. But as my pity party timeline expires (12am Sunday – clock runs out Krystine, pick up bootstraps now), I slowly start to hear her voice again.  Time to get it done. I don’t know the answer, I don’t have a solution, I don’t even really know where to start, I’m overwhelmed & understaffed, but I will pick up my ownership, my responsibility, my clarity, my supports, I will ask for help, I will seek out solutions & I will engage my team to help me find answers & get results.  I’ll go deep in my psyche & transform what need be, I won’t be afraid to face myself, even if what I see is ugly & dark & hard to look at.  I will move forward, I will summon my Warrior Goddess to bring these battled & bruised & weakened soldiers across the line & cry tears of joy when we do…or I will die trying.

Maybe that’s a little over dramatic, but for those who have faced the harsh realities of their own shortcomings, their own failures, their own compromised integrity or biggest fears, they’ll know it’s not far from truth.

No one tells you that success is an inner game first, that having a great idea is really the easy part, that, for some of us, crossing the line in succeeding will mean confronting the darkest parts of our nature, our deepest fears & insecurities, again & again & again. Most don’t survive.  This is where ideas die on the vine.  Do you really have what it takes?

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

“Surround yourself with people who will only lift you higher” Oprah Winfrey.

Leadership skill: owning your power & greatness. Lots of people think that if they make money it will solve all of their problems. If that’s you, stop it…immediately. It’s the single most dis-empowering thing you can do to yourself.  Here’s why.

If you’re a person who thinks “if only I made X dollars, all of the Y problems in my life would be solved” – you are not only delusional, but you are single-handedly keeping yourself away from the very thing you think you want. Money.

People who build success don’t just think or know, but vibrate in every cell of their being that they are absolutely responsible for their own success, they own their power, they create their reality & they fully commit to do whatever it takes, tenaciously, relentlessly, to cross the line.

When you make a statement like the pathetic & disempowering one I mentioned, you are a victim, you have given your power away & you are at the effect of “life” who “dealt you a bad hand”, “didn’t give you better parents”, “gives everyone else the easy road”, etc, etc, etc. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Everyone is dealt the hand they’re dealt, it’s what you do with it that matters.  People who build success know the only one responsible for their success is them, and they firmly take the reigns of their ship & own it – good, bad & ugly.  Nothing is more empowering than true ownership.

How do you know if you’re truly owning your power & your greatness? It’s simple – you’ll be creating results & those results will be nurturing you. And when you are owning your results, owning your power, owning your brilliance & your vision, the money will follow.

I always find it so funny how easily I can be derailed because someone makes a comment or has an opinion or a judgment. They want to tell me what I should do, or how they think things should go.  In those moments, I get angry.  Not because of what they say, but because I shrink, I give my power away & I don’t fully own who I am, my capacity, my brilliance, my absolute razor sharp vision & intuition.  I shrink, then I doubt, then I start to change things.  I’m angry because in those moments, I have given my power away & am not in my true Ownership.

The truth is, I am a brilliant manifestor of exponential growth, I build wealth easily for my clients, I have vision for what’s next that is incredibly accurate & I make connections that are unseen by others.  I am powerful.  I am a formidable opponent in a boardroom. I am so highly intelligent that it borders on mad scientist. And my capacity is massive enough to steward a global company worth hundreds of millions, if not into the billions. And I can do it all in balance with my relationships, my health & my sanity, from the calm & from the deeply, deeply feminine, while also having a deeply nurtured spiritual self & a family.

And in all of that, I am absolutely terrified to truly own it.  My fear is I’ll be seen as a tyrant, I’ll be judged, I will be alone because no man could stand beside a woman like that, I should play small if I want to have a family & hide my power so I don’t make a man insecure around me.  These are actual thoughts that go through my head….daily.

Its hard, for me, to be in my ownership all the time.  But every day I take another stride forward, another stand for me, another opportunity to thank the peanut gallery for sharing and direct them to the comment box of “I don’t give a shit” & just truly own that THIS is the way I do it.  I didn’t say it was the right way, but it’s my way.  And this is my life, my path, my terms and there are no scripts in life.

My Universe & I have a clear connection & I know my path.  Yes, it might look a little wacky, maybe even downright crazy. But I don’t believe we were put on this planet to conform, I believe we are here to stretch the wings of our creative potential, to break the norms, to bust the conformity wide open, to take a stand for our own uniqueness in a sea of the same & soar, wild & free.

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

 

As a woman entrepreneur committed to running a purpose driven business, I noticed how often I struggle daily with these 3 questions

“Challenges are gifts that force us to search for a new center of gravity. Don’t fight them. Just find a different way to stand.” Oprah Winfrey.

When you’ve connected a company with your spiritual path & purpose – anything that is not aligned & vibrating at that level of spiritual integrity needs to be transformed.

If I am not aligned in my personal & spiritual integrity to be able to steward my vision, then I will keep bumping up against my own issues, inadequacies, low vibrational consciousness again & again until I either transform it & breakthrough or I fail.

Its a fairly simple natural law – one I think most women entrepreneurs often overlook.

For me, my vision of making mortgages fun & building green projects that matter is not lightweight by any means & whether I knew it or not at the time, some of the challenges I would need to overcome to steward this vision have been more difficult then I could have ever imagined.

My business is seasoned, but not mature, rapidly growing but still moving through growing pains, scaling from my current level to the next level, but constantly dealing with the challenges of a start up.  At this level, the 3 questions I face on a daily basis are:

1. How committed am I?
2. How disciplined am I?
3. How badly do I want what I want?

When I am confronted by all of my insecurities, failures, inadequacies, when I’m working so hard but the scales keep feeling like they’re tipping away from me, when I’m overwhelmed & overloaded & pulled in so many directions I can barely keep my head above water – how badly do I want what I want? And am I willing to go the full distance, not knowing if the answer will be yes?

I see so many women stop here, fail before they cross the line because of the fear of failure.  I want to say that one more time, I’ve seen so many women entrepreneurs fail because they are afraid that the answer will be no, that they will fully commit, they will put their hearts on the line in their business & they will fail.  So instead of fully committing, being disciplined, being focused, they fail first.  Save the heartache & devastation of what would happen if they really committed their hearts & passion & purpose & they were destroyed.  I know for me, it is a survival mechanism, built out of wanting to protect my fragile emotional self from pain & heartbreak.

Some of the things I bump up against have nothing to do with the world outside but everything to do with the world inside me. My own self-doubt, my negative self-talk, my fear of success, my unsupportive belief systems. Some of those things are extremely difficult to look at & even harder for me to own. Where I fail, where I come short of the whole distance, where I’ve compromised myself, where my personal integrity has been out of line. It’s painful to look in that mirror, see what I have done to create a situation, own it & then vulnerably open in surrender, not knowing what the answer will be. More pain? More to transform? Or a breakthrough?

It feels like a long, dark tunnel, with little wins here & there that have kept me going, but this journey has been arduous, wrought with so many difficulties, so many fears triggered, so much to face at times I don’t know if I can do it.

And when the tunnel is dark & the fears are many, & the last desperate hope that I’ve been clinging to to get me through falls away & I am left alone, in the silence, with no answers…..it is the mirror I face. To look within.

At this level, I have done a lot of inner work & outer work to become the leader I want to be…but what’s left inside of me to transform….it is the terrified bits of myself, down to the brass tax. What I am up against is my own terror to be vulnerable, to be authentic in the world without armour, exposed, naked, real, honest.  To be my truth. And my deep horror & fear that when I look within at this depth, what I see is that I am not being as authentic as I think I am, I am not being as honest, as integrous, as truthful. When I look within, I see my own compromised integrity, manipulated emotions, behaviours originally built as defence mechanisms that have now imploded & become saboteurs of my success.

My heart can’t take it, my stomach feels nauseous & I don’t know if I can do it, I am so terrified to face myself, so terrified to own these dark parts of who I am. The voice inside me, the one that drives my passion forward, is quiet & I feel alone, at the edge of a cliff, no supports, no bridge, no rope. Just me, all alone, facing the depths of myself……back to those 3 simple questions:

1. How committed am I?
2. How disciplined am I?
3. How badly do I want what I want?

As a woman entrepreneur, committed to running a purpose driven business, I must be solidly rooted in the answer to these questions, connected to my purpose, my passion & my reasons for wanting to create what I want – otherwise, I might give up, I might give in, I might cave to the fear & the pressure & the overwhelm.  Today….I feel those walls caving in a little….and as I write this post, I ask my readers to share this with women entrepreneurs they know who are building purpose driven businesses.  We all struggle in our movement forward, sometimes it feels very lonely, my commitment to my vision is growing deep roots as I move gently through these frightened bits of myself & I want to share my movement forward with other women entrepreneurs, to connect, inspire & relate.

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

 

“A mentor is someone who allows you to see the hope inside yourself.” Oprah Winfrey

Leadership skill – finding amazing mentors. I used to be on a men’s CEO board – me…& 12 old boys’ club CEOs. I was 25, had already made my first million, had an ego that was 10 times as big as I was & thought I knew it all. Those men handed my ass to me.

Any deal I brought forward, they hammered me, drilled it down, asked tough questions I didn’t know the answer to, threw it against the wall & when I’d had enough & couldn’t take anymore…they’d push me further.

I hated it, my ego was crushed, my confidence broken, my pride completely torn to shreds. But I loved them. I loved them because what they were doing was trying to keep me safe. I really didn’t know what I was doing, I was way over my head, I had a ton of vultures that were circling & couldn’t see the forest for the trees & worst of all….I had zero respect for money. I just flippantly walked through life as if I could create another million by blinking my eyes. I had to lose a lot of money before I finally started to let my ego go.

As an entrepreneur & a fiercely stubborn woman at times, it’s hard for me to hear other people when they’re poking holes in my world of possibilities. It’s hard for me to hear them, it deflates my creative process, it shakes my confidence & plants seeds of doubt in my intuition. I don’t like it.

But having people around me who want to keep me safe – by asking the hard questions, by not backing down even when I’m angry, that can match my power & dish it right back to me, I want these people in my team.

I’ve had a mentor for as far back as I can remember. I always thought – if I wanted to be a pro athlete, I’d get a rockstar coach. If I want to master my life – I’d do the same. Seems only logical.

Today, & for the past 8 years, my mentor team (or as I refer to them, my board of directors) is Living in Balance coaching. A group of high-level, highly connected & extremely successful women who have paved the path before me. Bridging the feminine, the spirit & the women’s way of doing business in balance. I love & trust these women completely & they are truly the backbone of my success.

Often times, I don’t like them very much. They ask the tough questions, they poke holes in my field of possibilities & they relentlessly fight for my safety – even when I’m kicking & screaming. But I love them & I trust them & I know they do it to make sure my creative space of infinite possibilities is firmly tethered to the ground. If I had one piece of wisdom for any women entrepreneurs, it would be to find an incredible mentor or coach, be open, learn & listen.

My board of directors is my sounding board. I don’t go to them for advice, I go to them to hash it out, find the holes I’m not seeing, bring in information & feedback & then, as the CEO of my ship, I make a decision for me & the direction of my company towards my vision & I am fully committed & responsible for it. There is no greater purpose for a board.

I have such gratitude for all of my mentors – the anal-retentively & most respected for complexity lawyer who taught me everything he knew, the 12 old boys’ CEOs who sat on that board & lovingly handed me my rear end to teach me how to really run a company, the personal coaches along the way to help me work through my emotional maturity & the absolutely brilliant women CEOs who today sit on my board as my mentors with Living in Balance.

Every guide a gift. I thank each one. Without them, I would be lost. How anyone can be successful without these sages who have paved the path is something of a wonder to me. I really don’t think anyone is. Behind each successful person is a mentor team of wise old owls, not to direct, but to guide with wisdom & love.

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.didyouknowmortgage.ca

“I believe the choice to be excellent begins with aligning your thoughts and words with the intention to require more from yourself.” Oprah Winfrey.

I have this big vision for my life – maybe it’s crazy, maybe it’s not crazy enough.  I’ve spent a lot of years scaling it back so I don’t overwhelm people – it’s hard for others to support you when they are confronted by their own fears & their own inadequacies, their own issues around why they hold themselves back from being audacious & wild enough to share their deepest vision & live their dreams.  Maybe someone shut them down once so they spend their lives shutting others down.  Maybe it hurts too much to look at where they’ve given up.  Maybe they believe in lack & don’t think there is enough in life for everyone to shine & so they block out others for their own gain.  I don’t really know, but it’s one of the hardest things I find about human nature – our desire to drag people down rather than build them up.  I’ve learned how to hedge this my whole life – play small, cover up that crazy infinite possibility space that is as natural to me as breathing air, hide in the shadows.  Rather than shining my bright beam of absolute creative possibility that you can have, do, be anything if you work at it, if you are committed, if you go the distance, if you drop fear at the door & fail a whole lot & make a bunch of mistakes too – no one said it was going to be perfect.  But you pick yourself back up, dust off those bootstraps, have a few laughs, learn & go again.  It doesn’t need to make sense to anyone else – it’s between you & your Source & your path through this crazy game called Life.

When I think about requiring more from myself, it’s not about doing more, it’s about being more.  Being an absolute, unapologetic, bright as the Sun stand for my own creative force, for possibility, for wildly colouring outside the lines, stretching the norms & busting through limitations.  Holding the line without mercy or apology – that there is absolutely no greater truth than this.  That we were all put on this planet to fulfill our creative potential & that I stand in my truth to be a beacon for others, to absolutely destroy the “norm”, the “expectation”, the “way it is supposed to look”.  And that, above all else, we are ALL abundant – we were born of abundance & when we shine our light it does not take away from anyone, it does not overshadow but it empowers & it adds to & it is exponential in it’s creative force.  Abundance is our birthright – it is our minds that are sick & impoverished, & so we see lack everywhere.  When we own our abundance, not superficial egoic greed, but our TRUE abundance, we bestow a gift on the world.  The truth unlocks the power of our destiny & our lives become more real, more relaxed, more at ease.  We give more, we open deeper, we attach to less because we know we are enough & because we know this, we want for less.  We strive for purpose & meaning, not control & power.

To expect more from myself – that when I want to shrink because I feel someone getting uncomfortable around me, that instead, I tell the truth.  That in relationships with men, I don’t hide my gifts or pretend to be less than so they don’t feel inadequate, instead, I own them fully, not overpowering to overcompensate for my own insecurity, but in my own empowerment & that I hold the space for their empowerment too.  And if it’s too much for them, that I don’t make that mean anything about me & I don’t use it as a way to beat myself up, but that I look forward & onward to find other shining stars that are shining just as brightly.  That I don’t just know my truth, that I speak it, that I live it & don’t compromise it, not for anything.  That I can be everything that I want to be at the expense of nothing – an incredibly feminine woman, a lover, a wife, a mother, a ferocious business woman, a powerful leader, a brilliant steward of green living projects that make the world a more beautiful place, an advisor for clients who want to strategize mortgage solutions, a wild & fun City girl, a grounded & down to earth country girl, an artist, a muse, a yogi & a sage.  That I can be beautiful & smart, sexy & a brilliant leader, wild & fun & fiercely intelligent, that I don’t have to compromise being a woman for being a business-woman.  I can be all – in fact I am all.  This is an expectation that is worthy of living up to.  That is grounded in truth & authenticity.

I see my life again, a little clearer this time – not a scaled back version.  So many tries & fails, slowly, over time, they chip away at possibility.  They chip away at beauty & magic & settle down in practicality & normality – places my Spirit goes to die.  I am suffocating there, lost in a sea of Sameness, in different shades of grey blending, bleeding, into a life of complacency.  No.

Today, my strength in my conviction is renewed.  I am afraid, sometimes I feel alone, I don’t know what is around the next corner, I’m scared to open my heart lest it be broken yet again.  But then I think of the Goddess Athena – I think of her strength, her wisdom, her vision, her femininity, her capacity to love & the devoted men who would give their lives to protect her, the devoted citizens who praise & honour her guidance & the powerful, masculine God who stands beside her.  And I know that in the fog of what lays before me, I can hold on to the whisper of Her voice calling from within me.  To not settle, to not give up, to claim Her in my heart & let my life open in depth to find Her again….like I once knew, long ago…but like the faint remembrance of a dream, I had forgotten…

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field.  She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia.  Find more on her here: www.didyouknowmortgage.ca