“In every aspect of our lives, we are always asking ourselves, How am I of value? What is my worth? Yet I believe that worthiness is our birthright.” Oprah Winfrey

Breathe. One in. One out. Just breathe.

I stand on the precipice of everything I want. My desire for a purposeful, passion filled life, creating projects that are driven in social enterprise, grounded in solid business principals & extremely profitable. Planet, people, profits. Serving my mortgage clients in a way that takes care of them, building solutions that solve problems, strategizing financial structures & helping them build wealth.

Running both companies parallel & intertwined, both supporting & feeding the other. Building the right team of strong, committed individuals that serve a greater vision.

I was put on this planet to lead. Have been bossy since the day I was born. Can’t stand to be told what to do. Makes my skin crawl to hear someone tell me it can’t be done that way. See possibility everywhere, strategy everywhere, solutions everywhere. Build business models in my sleep.

So why do I feel like I’m standing at the precipice….but I’ve got my hand on the grenade? Isn’t this everything I wanted?

Worthiness is a funny thing. When does it get beaten out of us?

Who knows what stories we all have about whatever our pasts are, really in the end they don’t matter. What happens happens, it is what it is – it’s what we make it mean about ourselves that does the real damage. And we carry that damage with us, sometimes for our entire lives.

I have my hand on the grenade because everything I’ve worked so hard for is happening, is manifesting, after years of struggle & successes followed by failures & getting up & dusting off & going again & the hardest most arduous journey of my lifetime. Here it is. The next level. And I can almost not stand my own success.

It terrifies me. It rests above the pit of I’m-not-worth-it-ness that is hidden deep below. Will everyone see how unworthy I am if I step into the light?

How can I let that amount of love & abundance & connection into my heart & still stay in control? I can’t. My vulnerability is triggered, my terror to let it all in & then suffer loss, have my heart broken in two, have my dreams ripped to shreds & chewed up & spit back to me – I’m not sure I could take it. I’m not sure I would survive. Need to stay guarded, stay strong, stay impenetrable. And yet I know that I can’t either.

How can I possibly let myself receive the immensity, the vastness, the greatness, the awesomeness of everything my heart desires? Aren’t I supposed to struggle, aren’t dreams fulfilled for fairy tales & fiction & not for me?

Just breathe. Time to call in my support systems, get on the phone with my mentors. Give myself some time to be nurtured & filled up & take care of me. Gently now. Slowly. It might take a few days, in fact it has been almost a week of this energy that I haven’t broken free of. But I can’t rush it, if I do, the grenade drops.

Breathe in. Breathe out. What’s the purpose again? Why am I doing all of this again? Connect with the purpose – remember what it’s all for Krystine. For the family you want to build, for the life you want to live, for the God-given purpose you are here to fulfill. Breathe it in. Visualize. Connect. Calm…

Now, slowly. Ever…so…slowly. Put the pin back in. Gently now. Put it down.

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

“Feelings are really your GPS system for life. When you’re supposed to do something, or not supposed to do something, your emotional guidance system lets you know.” Oprah Winfrey

I believe in having strong mentors & coaches to support my direction.  I’ve had a mentor or personal coach for as far back as I can remember – I choose to do my life that way, with support of those who have paved the path before me.

My whole life I’ve known that whatever I would do, it would change the world – whatever that means.  I didn’t know how or why or what components might be part of the picture, but I always knew that – since I was 6 years old it was clear.  I would help the lives of many, in whatever way I was meant to.  Talk about sensitive….knowing at 6 you’re meant to serve humanity & living in a world that constantly reflects back pain & struggle & disbelief & it-can’t-be-done & you’re the rule not the exception.  No.  I’ve never believed that.  I’ve always believed I was the exception, not the rule.  I was the 1% not the 99%.  I was meant to love with deep compassion, but light the way for many to follow – that one voice can make a difference, that there is always hope, that possibility is endless & everywhere & that love is really the only reason any of us are here anyway.  From what I remember, my life never reflected that back to me.  And so, as an adult, I choose to have coaches & mentors around me that do.  Because, inevitably, my history or my story about life or my fear about stepping into my power & owning my vision – will betray me, & work hard to play me small & convince me that all those voices in my head are right.  Who’s voices are they anyway?  My own custom built, made to order saboteur – brilliant…..if you want to stay stuck.  Bring you to your knees, if you want to move forward.

When inevitably my inner saboteur pokes it’s head into my world, I always know it’s because I’m up against something big.  A shift to the next level, a breakthrough, a vulnerability that I want to get defensive around, an insecurity I’d rather not own.  These are the times those mentors & coaches are worth their weight in gold.  Because at some point, my feelings will betray me.  They will tell me things that aren’t true, they will steer me in a direction that, unconsciously, is really my own fear trying to get a hold of me.  They will turn my ship into the rocky waters of uncertainty & fear & loss & not enough & insecurity.

To ground myself, to bring myself back to the place where I can trust my feelings again, because sensitivity is a gift – because when I am clear & calm & focused – my feelings know & can guide me.  But when I am scared, or I am moving somewhere new where I don’t have a frame of reference for how to BE there, or I am triggered because the intimacy of being in relationship with what I want absolutely terrifies me – my feelings betray.  They tell me to run, when I should stay.  They tell me to smother, when I should let go.  They tell me I’m right, when really I am humbled.

In my experience, the only way to manage this is to have people who love & support me, independently, who want me to succeed & who I have turned the keys over to on my behavioural patterns so when they’re up, they can call me out on them.  These people – coaches & mentors – are what subsidize my compromised GPS system when my emotions are hijacked by my fear and/or my history.  I have worked with many.  Today & for the past 7 years, I have worked with Living in Balance, a women’s entrepreneur program.  Without these women & this program….I’m not sure where I’d be .

I have such gratitude & respect for these people – my past mentors & coaches – & a soulful love & respect for my current mentors & coaches with Living in Balance.  Where would my compromised, wounded GPS have taken me without their loving guidance to bring me back to the truth?

 

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field.  She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia.  Find more on her here: http://www.didyouknowmortgage.ca