Am I brave enough to live my truth, fully in the light? Vulnerable? Wide open? Exposed for all to see – my flaws, my weaknesses, my intelligence, my power, my hearts deepest desire to create beauty & harmony & more love in the world with projects that matter?
Sometimes….I scare myself with how powerful I am, with the things I want to create, with how quickly I manifest them into being. It scares me & I pull back in fear. Should I be so bold? So daring? So audacious? Why can’t I be happy in a simple life with a simple home & simple goals? Why do I have this desire within me to build & create. It would be easier on me if I could just shrink down & pretend my life away.
I’ve lived that way a long time.
Am I brave enough to really do this? Sure enough? Committed enough to quiet the voices that tear me down inside my own head like little mini-anchors all tied into me, holding me in one place. I fight daily to rip myself free.
Lately, I’ve felt that freedom. When I look in my life at my own happiness, I can see it clearly – where I am most happy is when I am fully accessing my capacity, immersed in pushing my potential to the next level, leading my ship, driving towards something I’m told I can’t do. Not to prove something to anyone at all. But because I have a knowing within me that I can solve this problem. I have the key for a lock that is screaming for me to open it. Most often, I have ignored it. Though it burns through me incessantly, begging me to pour just a little of the light I am withholding.
In these times, when I have ignored that deep knowing, I then push myself into places that are not so nurturing. Maybe it’s a toxic relationship, bad eating habit, half-met commitments, disenfranchised, hardened outlook, poor decision after poor decision – until I am riddled in my own unhappiness desperate to find my way out.
The key.
I’ve always had it. And in it – when I am operating at my highest capacity – I am my happiest, I am my most filled with joy, freedom, love, clarity. Like the inside of a tornado, it makes me calm. I have peace there. I am most clear there. I am my best version of myself. I am so filled with joy I can almost not stand it.
Give me a 9-5 job & I want to slit my wrists. Put me mid-stream into 3 high-level projects while pushing my mortgage volumes to the next level of breakthrough – I’ve never been happier in my life. And it’s a strange thing, I’m also the least stressed, the most relaxed, calm, centered. I see with my whole vision there, there is no drama there (there’s no room for drama). Things work there, structure holds, efficiencies met, profit made. Give me the former & it’s like plugging 50,000 volts into a 10 volt socket – no comprendioso. Circuit blown.
But I have been so frightened to live there. So frightened of what others will think of me – of the judgment, the opinion, the ridicule. The people around me who always show up to tell me I’m doing it wrong or it can’t be done that way, or roll their eyes & secretly tell their friends of my impending demise while smiling to my face.
My deeper knowing says that they are just reflecting back to me the demons that haunt my own mind, nothing more. But that unnerves me deeper – my mind is full of these dark shadows lurking in dark corners, waiting for a moment of doubt to move for my jugular. How quickly I would be my own demise.
I don’t know why it affects me so, such a silly fear really. But all the same, in the end I really just want to be normal & loved & accepted. That might sound……weak or disempowered or whatever, but really it’s just my truth.
Can I really do this? Facing the mountain of my own self-doubt head on. We are taking on a new project launch with a very, very tight timeline for execution, our Athena Organic Farm & Eco-Retreat. It’s a big deal. We’re running a big campaign. This project will be on a stage – I will be on a stage. Do I have what it takes? Am I ready for this? To live my life wide open. To shine brightly now, not shrinking, not hidden, not talking but walking & living my truth out in the daylight.
There’s no turning back now. As I have had a taste of the depth of my joy & bliss as I live more & more of my truth, I can’t turn back. To turn back & play small & pretend my life away now would be a death sentence. There is no other way onward than forward. I don’t know if I will succeed or fail. But forwards I will go….into the blissful unknown. Shall I meet my end there? I don’t know…
Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca
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