“In every aspect of our lives, we are always asking ourselves, How am I of value? What is my worth? Yet I believe that worthiness is our birthright.” Oprah Winfrey

Breathe. One in. One out. Just breathe.

I stand on the precipice of everything I want. My desire for a purposeful, passion filled life, creating projects that are driven in social enterprise, grounded in solid business principals & extremely profitable. Planet, people, profits. Serving my mortgage clients in a way that takes care of them, building solutions that solve problems, strategizing financial structures & helping them build wealth.

Running both companies parallel & intertwined, both supporting & feeding the other. Building the right team of strong, committed individuals that serve a greater vision.

I was put on this planet to lead. Have been bossy since the day I was born. Can’t stand to be told what to do. Makes my skin crawl to hear someone tell me it can’t be done that way. See possibility everywhere, strategy everywhere, solutions everywhere. Build business models in my sleep.

So why do I feel like I’m standing at the precipice….but I’ve got my hand on the grenade? Isn’t this everything I wanted?

Worthiness is a funny thing. When does it get beaten out of us?

Who knows what stories we all have about whatever our pasts are, really in the end they don’t matter. What happens happens, it is what it is – it’s what we make it mean about ourselves that does the real damage. And we carry that damage with us, sometimes for our entire lives.

I have my hand on the grenade because everything I’ve worked so hard for is happening, is manifesting, after years of struggle & successes followed by failures & getting up & dusting off & going again & the hardest most arduous journey of my lifetime. Here it is. The next level. And I can almost not stand my own success.

It terrifies me. It rests above the pit of I’m-not-worth-it-ness that is hidden deep below. Will everyone see how unworthy I am if I step into the light?

How can I let that amount of love & abundance & connection into my heart & still stay in control? I can’t. My vulnerability is triggered, my terror to let it all in & then suffer loss, have my heart broken in two, have my dreams ripped to shreds & chewed up & spit back to me – I’m not sure I could take it. I’m not sure I would survive. Need to stay guarded, stay strong, stay impenetrable. And yet I know that I can’t either.

How can I possibly let myself receive the immensity, the vastness, the greatness, the awesomeness of everything my heart desires? Aren’t I supposed to struggle, aren’t dreams fulfilled for fairy tales & fiction & not for me?

Just breathe. Time to call in my support systems, get on the phone with my mentors. Give myself some time to be nurtured & filled up & take care of me. Gently now. Slowly. It might take a few days, in fact it has been almost a week of this energy that I haven’t broken free of. But I can’t rush it, if I do, the grenade drops.

Breathe in. Breathe out. What’s the purpose again? Why am I doing all of this again? Connect with the purpose – remember what it’s all for Krystine. For the family you want to build, for the life you want to live, for the God-given purpose you are here to fulfill. Breathe it in. Visualize. Connect. Calm…

Now, slowly. Ever…so…slowly. Put the pin back in. Gently now. Put it down.

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

“If you just keep breathing, you cannot be conquered”. Oprah Winfrey

I am starving. Starving for something I can’t  describe. Food won’t fill it, wine won’t numb it, work won’t drown it out.

Its a hungering from deep within me. One I’ve long heard & past ignored, worked on top of, drown out with behaviours to numb it.

I noticed myself slipping recently. Reverting to some old behaviours – things I used to do to hurt myself. Goodness knows why – my I don’t deserve it units or I’m not worth it units having a field day in my psyche.

Picking apart my mind until I’ve fallen back far enough to satisfy that sabotaging voice.

It’s the subtleties that make the difference.

When I see those old thoughts & behaviours creeping in. It happens gradually – a compromise here, a missed commitment there, a deadline passed, a promise broken.

This is where failure happens – not at the finish line, but in all the subtleties in between start & end.

When the crossroads in my mind between my desire for a passion filled, purposeful life meets my deeper feelings of unworthiness.

Something is different this time though. Something has changed. My awareness has deepened, my support systems wide & vast, my team strong, my vision clear.

And my desire – to want something more, to be willing to confront the darkest parts of myself with compassion & conviction & deep surrender, to turn my life over to a greater service, to a higher path. It is insatiable. I will not yield.

I’m too committed. I’ve crossed the line in my own desire for a purpose driven life, for meaning, depth, leaving everything on the table, living on the skinny branch.

I am afraid – goodness how afraid I am, terrified really. The decisions I must make are hard, the road has been long, there is no sign of rest soon & I must remain highly conscious of myself so that I don’t become my own worst enemy. I must manage my mind & cannot trust my thoughts.

But fear & success move like the stream & the rocks within it. They are intertwined. They are inevitable friends not foes.

Lean into it Krystine. Feel the fear & lean in harder. Trust this path, this committed vision, this quest to guide me through.

I am a weary traveller searching for my way home, lost a little as night has fallen & I am nowhere near – listen to the wind, let it guide me. Let the trees give me shelter & the land nourish me. Lean in. Lean in. Lean in.

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca