Trust.
It’s just a word. Trust. And yet it carries so much with it.
How do we trust? How do we build trust in ourselves and in life? How do we learn to trust again when we have been so betrayed by life, by others, by ourselves?
How do we keep falling down again and again and pick ourselves back up, dust our broken hearts off, and learn to trust again?
I struggle for it.
Sometimes I suffocate in my own fear around it. Maybe I should just turn back, it’s asking too much of me, I can’t surrender that deeply, I can’t let go of control, I can’t do what You ask, I am too afraid.
Silent tormentors in my mind waging war against myself. Then come the external people to validate my fears – you aren’t doing it right, you need to do it our way, you shouldn’t pursue this, you shouldn’t do that. All the judgment, criticism, expectations, pressure. It’s everywhere.
And even though my resolve is stronger, my leadership more capable than ever, my clarity razor sharp, my devotion and commitment deeply rooted…Still….the fear gets thicker. No one tells you that, you know. That your fear will never be absent, in fact, it will be more acute the further in you go. You just become masterful at managing it. Saying “thanks for sharing” and moving forward anyway. It never really leaves you, not really. Like one side of a two-sided coin, always there to balance out the other. It’s self-mastery that makes the difference.
To lead a purpose driven life, I never really knew what it meant. Not really. I knew I wanted it, more than anything in the world, but to live it? It requires a kind of grit, a depth of determination, a surrender and a humility that I don’t know how to describe. It’s terrifying, and truthfully some days I don’t know if I’m going to make it to the next….and yet it’s the only place I actually feel connected, like it all makes sense, like I understand why I was put on this planet. If I had known from the beginning how much of myself I’d have to give, how far I’d have to push, how deep I’d have to let go, would I have still wanted it? Would I have chosen it? A simpler life looks good in those moments of questioning.
For every step forward in the pursuit of Purpose….tests will come. In my experience, the depth of your tests, balance the depth of your weaknesses, required commitment, integrity and stewardship for the Purpose you are intended for. Like your own, personal, cocktail of Consciousness growth. Not to kill you, but to make you stronger. To build you. So you can become who you were intended to be, to steward the gift, the blessing and be responsible with the burdens of what you have asked for. No blessings come without burdens to manage.
To test your faith, your resolve, to transform your weaknesses, to open your chained up and shut down heart, whether you like it or not. For you cannot strive for Purpose and not accept change, even if that change hurts. Trust. Is required.
To have no physical evidence for your case, be ok to be misunderstood, face scrutiny, aggressive attack and targeted maliciousness, sometimes from those you trust the most, and still find a way to get up, hold your faith, surrender your guard, learn and move forward anyway.
Do I have what it takes to conquer myself?
Life keeps bringing me to my knees….and I pray. I pray for the strength to conquer my fear, to be brave enough to forgive and trust again, to have the courage to face monumental obstacles and odds and rise anyway, to keep surrendering in trust. To be filled with humility, Grace and loving kindness, even for those who have wished me the worst ills and, most especially, for myself.
To be forgiven my mistakes and all those I have wronged, my imperfection and fallibility are constant reminders of my humanity and I am grateful for them and have learned, not always easily, to call them friends. I will never be perfect.
Trust.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
I look out on the horizon. Today, we face challenges like I have never known. I don’t have answers. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other, finding strength from depths within me, not knowing if there is a bridge to support my tired and weary feet, but stepping forward anyway.
Whether I rise or fall, win or fail, it’s all perception really. What is failure but a chance to learn and start again? What is success but a platform to mentor, teach and start again? Always starting anew – a pursuit of consciousness has no end point. It is just an endless sea of constant cycles – rise, fall, ebb, flow, learn, teach – and I am a wanderer carefully riding the tides to and fro….
Krystine McInnes is CEO and Project Director of Athena Farms and Grown Here Farms. Stewarding purpose-driven, change-making projects with a focus on Planet, People, Profit and a commitment to Sustainable Business models.
How to Oprah Winfrey - ify My Business Model.... 