“Living in the moment brings you a sense of reverence for all of life’s blessings.” Oprah Winfrey

What would you do, who would you become, how would you live your life if every, single moment was a fresh start? If you trusted rather than doubted? If you committed more whole-heartedly to what you wanted, even when what’s coming back to you is what looks like struggle – to lean in anyway, to commit more. Not to recoil in fear, but to find your feet, to firm them on solid ground and to start every moment again, as a recommitment to what you want to create?

Every day I’m reminded to trust the intangible more and more – lean in HARDER. I live in a space of possibilities, I AM a space of possibility – it’s how I create crazy finance solutions that can’t be done, connect dots that are invisible to most, build solutions that seem impossible and live in the miraculous.

That’s not fluff, it’s actually planned, structured and committing to a future I’m creating, not one that is happening to me. Even when the answer is “I don’t know”. Surrender anyway. Commit more to what you want. Commit more deeply.

Nothing takes the sails our of possibility and miracles more than fear. I know it all too well, the pattern that emerges in the process of creating something new. In the beginning, the winds are high, the sails are full and there is nothing stopping me. Then, slowly, adversity hits.

Things don’t go as planned, tries and fails, hits and misses, two steps forward one step back. Doubt starts to set in. Push forward, stay the course, keep going.

Then, the inevitable silence of nothing – nothing moving, nothing seemingly happening, all the doors that were opened have now shut. Where do I go? What way do I turn? The ground beneath gets shaky, uncertainty starts to chatter in the mind. Then fear. Maybe I’m wrong? Maybe all those negative things that swirl in my head about myself every now and again are true. Maybe I’m not enough, maybe I can’t do it, maybe I’ll fail. Self-doubt, uncertainty, fear – possibility’s nemesis.

It’s in these moments that I’m reminded. Possibility requires trust, it requires surrender and a deeper commitment and grit than I have ever known – go deeper. Miracles don’t live in a place of tangibility, you can’t chart them on an excel spreadsheet or explain them in a boardroom. And yet, I know in my heart it’s where I live. The miraculous, the intangible, the possible. Creation. An open heart, a grateful heart, a trusting, surrendered, vulnerable, committed heart.

This isn’t a game. And it isn’t a fluffy ideal of some fantasy world. It’s truth. I know it in my bones, I know it in my spirit. But to trust it? To step into the “I don’t know” and be exposed and vulnerable for the world to see, not knowing if the answer will be yes. Not knowing if I’ll be hurt or wounded. To open anyway.

Being in the possibility isn’t enough though – we can’t just will something to happen, we can’t just focus on it and think that’s all it takes. That’s just the preamble, what comes next is a depth of commitment you’ve never known, complete and total responsibility for your actions, thoughts, part in your relationships and what you have created, a deep ownership of your truth and gifts, intelligence & a willingness to work harder than you ever thought possible and to never, ever give up.

And if you succeed, you do. And if you don’t, you gave it your all, you learned & you’re a better person for it.

Life isn’t meant to be a struggle, it’s meant to be a miracle. I invite all of you to come and play in a space of possibility and miracles with me as we move forward what’s next.

That’s where miracles live. That’s where possibilities unfold in ways unimaginable. When we let go of control, stay the course, stay committed to the outcome, never quit, trust ourselves and when the day goes silent and there doesn’t seem to be another way, to commit more anyway, to love what we want to create more anyway, to open our hearts not knowing if we’ll be hurt anyway. Do it anyway. Love and abundance are intertwined. And what is creation but the birthing of something that we love into the world?

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

“In every aspect of our lives, we are always asking ourselves, How am I of value? What is my worth? Yet I believe that worthiness is our birthright.” Oprah Winfrey

Breathe. One in. One out. Just breathe.

I stand on the precipice of everything I want. My desire for a purposeful, passion filled life, creating projects that are driven in social enterprise, grounded in solid business principals & extremely profitable. Planet, people, profits. Serving my mortgage clients in a way that takes care of them, building solutions that solve problems, strategizing financial structures & helping them build wealth.

Running both companies parallel & intertwined, both supporting & feeding the other. Building the right team of strong, committed individuals that serve a greater vision.

I was put on this planet to lead. Have been bossy since the day I was born. Can’t stand to be told what to do. Makes my skin crawl to hear someone tell me it can’t be done that way. See possibility everywhere, strategy everywhere, solutions everywhere. Build business models in my sleep.

So why do I feel like I’m standing at the precipice….but I’ve got my hand on the grenade? Isn’t this everything I wanted?

Worthiness is a funny thing. When does it get beaten out of us?

Who knows what stories we all have about whatever our pasts are, really in the end they don’t matter. What happens happens, it is what it is – it’s what we make it mean about ourselves that does the real damage. And we carry that damage with us, sometimes for our entire lives.

I have my hand on the grenade because everything I’ve worked so hard for is happening, is manifesting, after years of struggle & successes followed by failures & getting up & dusting off & going again & the hardest most arduous journey of my lifetime. Here it is. The next level. And I can almost not stand my own success.

It terrifies me. It rests above the pit of I’m-not-worth-it-ness that is hidden deep below. Will everyone see how unworthy I am if I step into the light?

How can I let that amount of love & abundance & connection into my heart & still stay in control? I can’t. My vulnerability is triggered, my terror to let it all in & then suffer loss, have my heart broken in two, have my dreams ripped to shreds & chewed up & spit back to me – I’m not sure I could take it. I’m not sure I would survive. Need to stay guarded, stay strong, stay impenetrable. And yet I know that I can’t either.

How can I possibly let myself receive the immensity, the vastness, the greatness, the awesomeness of everything my heart desires? Aren’t I supposed to struggle, aren’t dreams fulfilled for fairy tales & fiction & not for me?

Just breathe. Time to call in my support systems, get on the phone with my mentors. Give myself some time to be nurtured & filled up & take care of me. Gently now. Slowly. It might take a few days, in fact it has been almost a week of this energy that I haven’t broken free of. But I can’t rush it, if I do, the grenade drops.

Breathe in. Breathe out. What’s the purpose again? Why am I doing all of this again? Connect with the purpose – remember what it’s all for Krystine. For the family you want to build, for the life you want to live, for the God-given purpose you are here to fulfill. Breathe it in. Visualize. Connect. Calm…

Now, slowly. Ever…so…slowly. Put the pin back in. Gently now. Put it down.

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

“If you just keep breathing, you cannot be conquered”. Oprah Winfrey

I am starving. Starving for something I can’t  describe. Food won’t fill it, wine won’t numb it, work won’t drown it out.

Its a hungering from deep within me. One I’ve long heard & past ignored, worked on top of, drown out with behaviours to numb it.

I noticed myself slipping recently. Reverting to some old behaviours – things I used to do to hurt myself. Goodness knows why – my I don’t deserve it units or I’m not worth it units having a field day in my psyche.

Picking apart my mind until I’ve fallen back far enough to satisfy that sabotaging voice.

It’s the subtleties that make the difference.

When I see those old thoughts & behaviours creeping in. It happens gradually – a compromise here, a missed commitment there, a deadline passed, a promise broken.

This is where failure happens – not at the finish line, but in all the subtleties in between start & end.

When the crossroads in my mind between my desire for a passion filled, purposeful life meets my deeper feelings of unworthiness.

Something is different this time though. Something has changed. My awareness has deepened, my support systems wide & vast, my team strong, my vision clear.

And my desire – to want something more, to be willing to confront the darkest parts of myself with compassion & conviction & deep surrender, to turn my life over to a greater service, to a higher path. It is insatiable. I will not yield.

I’m too committed. I’ve crossed the line in my own desire for a purpose driven life, for meaning, depth, leaving everything on the table, living on the skinny branch.

I am afraid – goodness how afraid I am, terrified really. The decisions I must make are hard, the road has been long, there is no sign of rest soon & I must remain highly conscious of myself so that I don’t become my own worst enemy. I must manage my mind & cannot trust my thoughts.

But fear & success move like the stream & the rocks within it. They are intertwined. They are inevitable friends not foes.

Lean into it Krystine. Feel the fear & lean in harder. Trust this path, this committed vision, this quest to guide me through.

I am a weary traveller searching for my way home, lost a little as night has fallen & I am nowhere near – listen to the wind, let it guide me. Let the trees give me shelter & the land nourish me. Lean in. Lean in. Lean in.

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

 

“Often we don’t even realize who we’re meant to be because we’re so busy trying to live out someone else’s ideas. But other people & their opinions hold no power in defining our destiny.” Oprah Winfrey

There’s a certain kind of loneliness that comes with diving head first into creating something with purpose & mission. It’s not the kind I could describe so much in words, it’s like a mist that slowly moves into my orbit, until it’s clouded my view & then I see that I’m immersed in it.

Most times, it’s not in moments when I’m alone at all, it’s in moments when I’m with family or friends, maybe a Saturday night with a few drinks, maybe out on a date with a new boyfriend – where I feel myself so separately from them, so far away. I see the compromises I make in order to stay where I am, the withholding of my own truth so that I don’t rock the boat in the relationships. And I feel the consequences of the derailment from what I’m creating as a result.

Where I say yes, & if I truly am committed to what I want, the answer was really no. Because it compromises me too much, derails me too far from my path.

Yes, I’ll have another glass of wine. And then miss a day that I need to focus because my head hurts. Yes, it’s ok that you’re disrespecting my time. No it’s not – & I’m wasting time that I could be focusing on what I want to create by even entertaining it. Yes, it’s ok if I work all weekend, even though I know I need a break to recharge so I can be filled up.  Yes, yes, yes – compromise, compromise, compromise.

I’m upset with myself for the compromises. It makes it abundantly obvious where my commitment is failing. Am I too hard on myself? Yes. But greatness demands 100%, not 60% because everyone else is comfortable with doing less.  I’m not. And I know what it takes. And right now, I’m failing.  It might not look like it on the outside, but I can see it. I’m off by 1 degree right now, we’re moving so rapidly, growing so rapidly that 1 degree will be 30 if I don’t adjust now. Move now. Crisis manage now.

I’m failing in my commitment, I’m failing in my determination, I’m failing in engaging my team at the level they need to support this company & these projects, I’m failing in being able to stand up, say no, mean it, own it & be totally fine with all the judgments & accusations, & misinterpretations of that that may come. Even if who they come from are those closest to me. I have to be ok being seen as a bitch, as demanding, as out of my mind, as stuffy, as “too much”, as angry, as mean, as cold, as unemotional, as a hardass. Whatever they are, I’ve got to be ok with that. Can I be?

Something has to give.

I can choose to keep doing what I’m doing – pretending to be what everyone wants me to be & suffering inside all the time as a result. Or I can choose to be who I really am, without apology, & become more committed to my path fully.

It seems like an easy choice, I know this too. But it’s not for me.

I try so hard to balance it all. I know something has to give – that something is me.  What am I committed to?

In these times, when that loneliness fog creeps in, it’s hard for me to know. I’m craving that kind of embrace that says “it’s all going to be ok, just stay here with me for a while”, that feeling of escape from the outside world to a place of comfort & ease. But what follows it is another voice that says “well, you tried your best”, then another “it just wasn’t meant to be”, and another “maybe next time”. Those are the voices of failure. And comfort & failure are great friends, they exchange notes in the back room I’m sure of it. Giving in to comfort, ease, escape – it’s like the voice of the snake, luring me away from what I know I need to do – as hard as it may be.

Hasn’t it already been hard enough? How badly do I want this?

It’d be easy for me to say yes & put my ambitions down & never pick them up again. Breaking through is hard. There’s nothing wrong with a comfortable life – I’d have a good career, make some money, take care of some clients, build a family, have a decent life. Why do I want more than that?

But I’ve seen it so often – those people, we all have them in our lives, who’ve done just that. Wanted to be something, wanted to create something, had a purpose or a calling deep within them – but the waters got choppy & the fear got high & instead, they chose a less-risky life, a “safer” life. I see those people & I know that that kind of life is a death sentence for me. Hallow behind the eyes, only in few moments do they show life again. Pushing down anger, resentment, hiding their real aspirations so far down they make themselves sick. No.

I know what I need to do. I know how hard it is going to be for me to do it. To lean into that loneliness & call it my friend. To not know how long I’ll need to stay there. To not know if I’ll ever make it out.

To crave the comfort of a family & a home & the smell of turkey roasting in the oven & children playing in the yard. And to know that I have to fight that craving, I have to fight through that desire for all that is comfortable to get somewhere I’ve never been before, to the unknown, to who knows what’s next.

Today, all I want is comfort. All I want is to know it’s going to be ok. To not feel so alone, so scared or so uncertain. For just a little while.

But tomorrow the sun rises & a new day begins. New choices are made, new people met, new opportunities moved forward. If I keep my feet steady, one foot in front of the other, leaning in hard to the wind, perhaps I’ll make it through….

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

“Let your light shine. Shine within you so that it can shine on someone else. Let your light shine. ” Oprah Winfrey.

Am I brave enough to live my truth, fully in the light? Vulnerable? Wide open? Exposed for all to see – my flaws, my weaknesses, my intelligence, my power, my hearts deepest desire to create beauty & harmony & more love in the world with projects that matter?

Sometimes….I scare myself with how powerful I am, with the things I want to create, with how quickly I manifest them into being. It scares me & I pull back in fear. Should I be so bold? So daring? So audacious? Why can’t I be happy in a simple life with a simple home & simple goals? Why do I have this desire within me to build & create. It would be easier on me if I could just shrink down & pretend my life away.

I’ve lived that way a long time.

Am I brave enough to really do this?  Sure enough? Committed enough to quiet the voices that tear me down inside my own head like little mini-anchors all tied into me, holding me in one place.  I fight daily to rip myself free.

Lately, I’ve felt that freedom.  When I look in my life at my own happiness, I can see it clearly – where I am most happy is when I am fully accessing my capacity, immersed in pushing my potential to the next level, leading my ship, driving towards something I’m told I can’t do.  Not to prove something to anyone at all.  But because I have a knowing within me that I can solve this problem.  I have the key for a lock that is screaming for me to open it.  Most often, I have ignored it. Though it burns through me incessantly, begging me to pour just a little of the light I am withholding.

In these times, when I have ignored that deep knowing, I then push myself into places that are not so nurturing.  Maybe it’s a toxic relationship, bad eating habit, half-met commitments, disenfranchised, hardened outlook, poor decision after poor decision – until I am riddled in my own unhappiness desperate to find my way out.

The key.

I’ve always had it.  And in it – when I am operating at my highest capacity – I am my happiest, I am my most filled with joy, freedom, love, clarity.  Like the inside of a tornado, it makes me calm. I have peace there.  I am most clear there. I am my best version of myself. I am so filled with joy I can almost not stand it.

Give me a 9-5 job & I want to slit my wrists.  Put me mid-stream into 3 high-level projects while pushing my mortgage volumes to the next level of breakthrough – I’ve never been happier in my life.  And it’s a strange thing, I’m also the least stressed, the most relaxed, calm, centered.  I see with my whole vision there, there is no drama there (there’s no room for drama).  Things work there, structure holds, efficiencies met, profit made.  Give me the former & it’s like plugging 50,000 volts into a 10 volt socket – no comprendioso.  Circuit blown.

But I have been so frightened to live there.  So frightened of what others will think of me – of the judgment, the opinion, the ridicule.  The people around me who always show up to tell me I’m doing it wrong or it can’t be done that way, or roll their eyes & secretly tell their friends of my impending demise while smiling to my face.

My deeper knowing says that they are just reflecting back to me the demons that haunt my own mind, nothing more.  But that unnerves me deeper – my mind is full of these dark shadows lurking in dark corners, waiting for a moment of doubt to move for my jugular.  How quickly I would be my own demise.

I don’t know why it affects me so, such a silly fear really.  But all the same, in the end I really just want to be normal & loved & accepted.  That might sound……weak or disempowered or whatever, but really it’s just my truth.

Can I really do this? Facing the mountain of my own self-doubt head on.  We are taking on a new project launch with a very, very tight timeline for execution, our Athena Organic Farm & Eco-Retreat.  It’s a big deal.  We’re running a big campaign.  This project will be on a stage – I will be on a stage. Do I have what it takes?  Am I ready for this? To live my life wide open. To shine brightly now, not shrinking, not hidden, not talking but walking & living my truth out in the daylight.

There’s no turning back now.  As I have had a taste of the depth of my joy & bliss as I live more & more of my truth, I can’t turn back. To turn back & play small & pretend my life away now would be a death sentence.  There is no other way onward than forward. I don’t know if I will succeed or fail. But forwards I will go….into the blissful unknown.  Shall I meet my end there?  I don’t know…

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

 

“You are built not to shrink down to less but to blossom into more.” Oprah Winfrey.

Leadership skill: Staying the course. I didn’t realize that taking the plunge to start a Blog & shout out to the universe what I wanted without fear or apology, not dimming it down, but being the full expression of it, would become a journey back to my Wild Feminine, back to my essence, my intuition, my Spirit.

That it would open me in ways I can’t fully describe, sacred ways…ancient ways.  That it would plunge me head on into a transformation that my Spirit has been calling to me, I think since I was put on this planet & return me back to myself – my Self.

And that I would begin to blossom, slowly at first, with a few scrapes & bruises, but slowly….to feel the blossoming of my soul into this Wild, Feminine, unapologetic creature with unbounded, relentless soul & a business mind to be reckoned with.  I used to hide these parts of myself.

How could I be taken seriously if I am so feminine?  How can I be a business woman & laugh & play & act a little kooky while putting a deal together?  How could I create win/win/win’s in everything I do without compromising my soul to do it?

I live in a world where so many things reverberate back to me the opposite of my deeply held beliefs.  Things like – you have to take what you can, there isn’t enough, to be in business you have to screw people over, get your head out of the clouds business isn’t personal, it’s just business.

I don’t hold the belief in a La-La Land, but I do hold the belief that with some thought, care, love & a great group of intelligent people who have a desire to do things differently but also understand the way the world works & know how to create success can honest to goodness change the world.

That’s not a pipe dream & it’s not a fabrication of my imagination & I’m not some silly girl with pie in the sky ideas, which very honestly is what I thought of myself for a long time.  That is, until I started to see all the things in my intuition I knew were next start to manifest.

I saw markets shift before they shifted, I saw opportunities before they were recognized, I saw solutions where everyone else said there were just problems, I saw ways to make it work that were win/win/win with a few adjustments here & there to a model that could be effective & efficient.  But I didn’t trust myself.  I didn’t listen to my intuition, I wanted everyone around me to agree with me before I’d move forward.  And I did a great job at creating all the wrong people around me who could only see the negative, the can’t, the problem, to be extra sure I wouldn’t bloom too far forward.

And one after another, I’ve seen the market shift in exactly the way I predicted, the opportunity become recognized & capitalized by someone else, the solutions be built & the success be had – by others.  While I sat on the sidelines.

This journey, this return back to myself – to embracing my wild, my crazy, my moon-influenced behavior, my rational irrationality, my ebb, my flow, my razor sharp focus, my lightening fast connections, my deep intuition – it has led me further away from what I thought I should become &, miraculously, returned something I thought I’d lost long ago.  Something I had felt stripped of, ripped from, raped & pillaged of & never could really quite articulate.  My deep, feminine knowing. The truth beyond illusions, the deeper meaning of it all, the “what’s not being said”, the love withheld.

And rather than not trusting it, I am listening to it & following it….to some very interesting places.  Stay the course….steady this ship of mine, the waves of doubt are vast & heavy, the uncertainty is stifling, the air is thick & hot with fear & yet I press on.  What task to unfold in this next initiation – it could bring me to my knees….it could bring me to my feet….it could rip my heart in half & serve it back to me, it could take my broken heart & heal those wounds for me.  I don’t know….

 

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

“I am a woman in process. I try to take every conflict, every experience, & learn from it. Life is never dull.” Oprah Winfrey.

Leadership skill: execution. It’s great to have a great idea, but if you don’t bring it across the line into being, it stays right there in idea-ville, where eventually it coughs & dies.  An idea is really just the first 10%, the rest is building team, solving problems, managing psychology & psyche & execution.

How many tries & fails? How many almosts but not quites? How many stories have you heard from friends or relatives or associates that tell you about their “great idea” that is “sure to make millions”.

Whenever I hear those ideas,that’s usually my queue to run.  Or turn on my polite & demure hat where I play stupid for 15 of the longest minutes of my life to listen, while every fibre of my being wants to poke bazooka sized holes in this idiotic rendition of an idea I’m painstakingly listening to.

The truth is, most people have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about, what it takes to bring the seed through to fruition or how much they will be tested, trialed, chewed up & spit out in the process.  I definitely know I would have never signed up had I had any full knowledge of what the ride was going to look like.  Words like perseverance, iron stomach, tenacity, determination, responsibility, commitment, ownership – they don’t even begin to describe it.

Today, of all days, I have been tested in my development company on one of our projects.  Two deals live, then collapsed.  Two important deals.  Two extremely important deals. Two, holy bananas thank God these deals came through because I was feeling on my last legs to stand here, have collapsed.  And I’m back at the beginning, further behind then when I started no answers, no new deals in sight, no solution. Scared. Alone. Uncertain of what’s next.

It’s easy to shout hurrah when you’re winning, but what about when what shows up is a loss, followed by another loss & another & another, until you feel so beaten up you’re not sure you can stand again? In my experience, this is really where the rubber meets the pavement in creating what you want to create.  And it’s not easy.

My frightened parts, emotionally immature self wants to vacate. Push the eject button, go on a 3 day bender, go hang out in pity party-ville, ignore the pink elephant in the room charging for me, pretend it’s all ok, sink down into a depression & give up because it’s just too hard.  And I won’t lie, I’m certain I spent quite a bit of time there for at least a day or 2, sometimes you just need a little permission to go on a pity party….as long as it has an expiry…

My empowered feminine self is quieter today, rocked a little, uncertain a lot. But as my pity party timeline expires (12am Sunday – clock runs out Krystine, pick up bootstraps now), I slowly start to hear her voice again.  Time to get it done. I don’t know the answer, I don’t have a solution, I don’t even really know where to start, I’m overwhelmed & understaffed, but I will pick up my ownership, my responsibility, my clarity, my supports, I will ask for help, I will seek out solutions & I will engage my team to help me find answers & get results.  I’ll go deep in my psyche & transform what need be, I won’t be afraid to face myself, even if what I see is ugly & dark & hard to look at.  I will move forward, I will summon my Warrior Goddess to bring these battled & bruised & weakened soldiers across the line & cry tears of joy when we do…or I will die trying.

Maybe that’s a little over dramatic, but for those who have faced the harsh realities of their own shortcomings, their own failures, their own compromised integrity or biggest fears, they’ll know it’s not far from truth.

No one tells you that success is an inner game first, that having a great idea is really the easy part, that, for some of us, crossing the line in succeeding will mean confronting the darkest parts of our nature, our deepest fears & insecurities, again & again & again. Most don’t survive.  This is where ideas die on the vine.  Do you really have what it takes?

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

“What we’re all striving for is authenticity, a spirit-to-spirit connection.” Oprah Winfrey.

An amazing coach I have said to me once, “Krystine, if you want to create what you want to create, you’re going to have to be OK to risk being misunderstood”.  Something about that really resonated with me.  I’ve often felt misunderstood – & something about it has felt unsafe.  I spent a long time in the place of people pleasing, playing small, catering myself to try & keep the waters calm.  Don’t shine too bright – you don’t want to make others uncomfortable or insecure.  Don’t communicate the depth of what you really see, people will think you’re crazy.  Wait until you get older so you don’t alienate yourself from your friends when they see what you can really do & it threatens them, or intimidates them.  Now all of that is probably just a made up story about life that I continued to tell myself.  And as much as I want to say it’s not the truth, often times (not all the time) it has been.

I know the answer in those situations – it’s not to shrink so I can stay in the mud pond of being misunderstood, it’s to find other eagles that want to come & soar with me & play in the skies where I don’t have to explain myself & fight against the grain of perception & judgment.  People of like-mind.  Often easier said than done.  This is the part I’ve always been challenged with in life – how do I own my power, how do I soar through the skies unabashedly, unapologetically, blissfully wide open when so many times the depth through which I want to open is misinterpreted by those I care about.  You see, it’s easy to say in theory just let them go & find other eagles to soar with.  But sometimes, it’s just so much harder to tell your heart that when you’re in it.

All I want, all I’ve ever wanted was to live my truth with depth & authenticity, creating these crazy visions I have in my head, maybe having a family one day & being an amazing wife.  Reaching new heights, changing the world, changing lives for the better.  I’m a humanitarian at heart & my compassion for humanity has often times been the same thing that has created my desire to want to be understood by them.  Honestly, to be liked, to be loved, to be accepted.

When I’m wide open in my truth, I am empowered.  When I communicate that truth & it’s misunderstood – I feel deflated.  I feel alone.  And, unconsciously for sure, I shrink.  I start to doubt myself.  I start to wonder if I am crazy, if I should just give up.  It’s this self-defeating cycle that actually keeps me stuck.

Through this process of stepping on the stage & really owning what I want to create with the world, I am starting to give that up.  I am standing in misunderstood-ville & owning my own power even more deeply.  Somewhere in me I know that if I’m misunderstood it may be hard to let go, it will hurt my heart for sure, & I may have to stand alone again for a little while….waiting.  But slowly, out in the distance, I hear the call of those eagles searching for me too.  It gives me strength, to continue to let go of what doesn’t serve me, to communicate my depth even if it scares people or they don’t understand it, to own my truth & my power & shine brightly, even if it is ridiculed & judged & pawed at by those who are threatened by their own inability to shine their light.  As I stand in the sun, feeling the heat on my face, those eagles come closer….& I wait…for those that would stand in the sun with me.

A life that is inauthentic is no life for me.  To live a superficial existence, pretending to be what I think others want me to be so I don’t rock the boat, so I can keep the smile on my face & the likability in their minds.  Well that would be a death sentence for me.  I will not live my life that way – how did I let it get this far?  Spirit to spirit & nothing less….

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field.  She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia.  Find more on her here: www.didyouknowmortgage.ca