“Energy is the essence of life. Every day you decide how you’re going to use it by knowing what you want and what it takes to reach that goal, and by maintaining focus.” Oprah Winfrey

There is a wisdom that us women used to know, used to guard like a secret, but has been lost.

A wisdom that only us women keep. It is our sacred privilege, our charge and our duty to protect. As the bringers of Life, this sacred knowledge is in our DNA. We have a knowing about the Life -Death -Life cycles and rhythms, a natural understanding of the Heartbeat of Life Itself. A sacred connection to something that can only be described as Divine.

If we only knew how far we had fallen from this sacred knowledge and how deeply we have wounded ourselves, our daughters, our grand-daughters, our future generations, as a result.

Generations of being objectified, we have learned to objectify ourselves. Generations of being treated as property to be owned and compared to like pieces of equipment – this one has a solid trunk, that one has a good front end. Generations of religion, politics, culture and society subjugating, demeaning and forging dominion over the feminine. We have forgotten who we really are. Thinking, instead, our self-worth is measured in men’s views of our appearance, that somehow God’s will for us is to be subservient slaves and “good wives”, that our waist size is more important than what we have to say, that as long as we aren’t too smart, too threatening or too opinionated we’ll be acceptable.

Until the wisdom that we once held is buried so deep and so far, most of us don’t even realize it exists. We start to think of ourselves as objects, weaponize our sexuality, use manipulation as a form of warfare and start to believe the stereotypes that are played on every media outlet across the world are the only forms of femininity that exist.

It’s awful what has happened to us.

And it’s time that we reclaim that sacred wisdom once again.

That wisdom, in part, is that as women we are a sacred and precious gift. To be cherished, to be honoured, to be held in reverence and with respect. We are the bringers and the givers of Life. We are the keepers of the sacred knowledge of the Life -Death – Life cycles of the universe. We are the ancient holders of this sacred wisdom that brings us closer to God. Men have to search for God, they have to intellectualize and philosophize and logically deduce. As women, we hold a sacred understanding of God that men will never, ever truly understand.

We are Holy ground.

And until we can remember who we really are. Until we stop dismissing our innate wisdom and trying to get ahead by playing a superficial game of botox and fake breasts, we will never, ever truly win.

Business is no different.

There are 3 types of women in business. There are those women who have forgotten who they really are, learned how to pick up their swords and shields and go to battle on the war field with the men. They are hardened. They are angry. They are exhausted and burnt out.

There are those who have learned how to toss their hair and smile pretty and manipulate men to get what they want. Turning their sexuality into a weapon. Objectifying themselves as a form of leverage to get ahead.

And then there are those who have evolved. They have discovered their Purpose, tapped into their sacred feminine, learned how to empower themselves without overpowering, lead without dominating and own all of who they are as women – with Grace. Understanding the rules of the game and the battlefield, but rather than suiting up in armour and battle gear, using that understanding to embolden their feminine gifts, empower their teams, and get results.

At one time or another in my life, I have definitely had the experience of being all 3. And, after decades in business, it is my firm and unshakable belief that where our real power, strength and ability to succeed comes from is in the latter of them.

I have often described business in this way: I think of myself as Queen, the company as Country and it is my privilege, job and duty to empower, inspire and lead my troops in to battle. To protect, preserve, defend and prosper Queen and Country.

Men don’t view business that way. Men view business as a game and a battle. They suit up, get their swords out and go to war. And they love it. And I truly, deeply respect, admire and revere, the way they do it. I think empowered men are amazing, love how business men communicate and get things done and reverently respect their process and their game.

But as women, if we think we can go to war with the men, we will certainly be setting ourselves up to lose. And if we don’t lose on the business playing field, we will certainly lose in what we have sacrificed in our femininity to get there. The hardening of our hearts and the denial of our sacred feminine.

When we deny our feminine, we are in essence saying that we do not believe the feminine has any power, we do not believe it is strong, we do not believe it has value or worth. We feed the same system of thought that has subjugated, demoralized, repressed and dismissed our power in the first place.

Back to the sacred wisdom.

Business is a game. And as women, it is not a game we invented. It is a game that men invented. It’s a good game. And its one, if we want to play it and we want to win at it, without having to sacrifice our femininity, we have to understand the rules, we have to know who all the players are and we have to find a way to leverage the rules of the game and relate to the players in a way that is authentic, respects, honours and supports the game, the players and our feminine gifts and purpose, all at the same time, in  order to get results.

That’s it.

If we can master that, we win.

If we try to go to battle, we lose.

If we try to play the game like the boys, we lose.

If we try to manipulate the game or the players, we lose.

The feminine has power, in fact, I believe, it is far, far more powerful than the masculine. And I think most men are truly quite frightened of how powerful we women really are. Truthfully, I believe that is why so many doctrines, dogmas, religions and societies have worked so hard to repress it. They don’t understand it. It isn’t logical. It doesn’t fit in a nice linear line. Our power is soft power, it is multi-dimensional power. It is exponential power. It plays in the realms of miracles and divinity because in our essential nature we are most closely related to miracles and divinity.

We are the bringers of Life. Bringing Life into the world is a miracle. And it is women who are the keepers of that miracle. We have a Knowing that cannot be put into words.

We are the holders of the sacred wisdom of Nature.

We are the birthplace of Love itself.

That is true power. And, I believe, it is our absolute responsibility to educate, inform, empower and mentor young women and girls so that they understand their true power. To be better women. To lead better men. And to build better companies that will take this raped and pillaged world and bring back Life and Nature, Harmony and Beauty…Peace, Kindness, Grace.

This is just the opinion of one woman, yes. But I know there is a truth being communicated that in one way, shape or form, echoes in the hearts of most.

Because we can feel in our being that there is something we have lost. Something sacred. Something divine. Something that cannot ever truly be explained.

It’s time, now, to bring it back.

Krystine McInnes is CEO and Project Director of Athena Farms and Grown Here Farms. Stewarding purpose-driven, change-making projects with a focus on Planet, People, Profit and a commitment to Sustainable Business models.

“You can have it all. You just can’t have it all at once.” Oprah Winfrey

There is a cost to ambition.

There is always a cost.  I know there are many motivational books and speakers who will tell you all you have to do is think positive, build a vision board and you can “have it all”.

I agree, to an extent. I believe that seeing the positive in every situation is a value system that successful people embody. It isn’t something you do, it’s part of who you are, how you’re wired. Every crisis is an opportunity to transform something. Every problem is an opportunity to grow. Every challenge, a building block in your foundation.

I think it’s important to have a vision and to connect with the energy of where you are going and I actually do believe you can have it all.

I think where so many people fail is they don’t understand what is in the gap between where they currently are and what it will take, actually take, to get to the other side where the vision is manifest and they really do “have it all”.

That gap – whether an inch or a mile – is the most important part of success.

That gap is where your insecurities live, it’s where your determination and will are tested, it’s where life will throw you down, chew you up, spit you out and ask you one more time if you still want what you want. It is your journey to becoming the person who can steward the thing it was you said you wanted. You have to become. You have to evolve. And in that gap is where all of the tools, experience, people, conquests, trials and gifts live to build you into that person.

Sacrifice lives there.

If you want to build something, create something, have a vision for your life that will stretch you to the next level. There will be sacrifice.

Anyone who sugar coats it is either selling you a handful of lies or hasn’t actually built anything substantial themselves.

As you start to build forward, as you begin to get traction, sacrifice will start showing up at your dinner table. It will become a constant companion.

There is a trust that has to unfold at this level of the game, a trust that deepens and widens the further in you go.

You’ll have to let go of so much, so much more than you could have ever imagined. Parts of yourself you identified with, people you thought were with you, ways of thinking that no longer define you. It will feel like loss. It will feel lonely. It will feel isolating and there will be constant judgment. Your world will get smaller. It has to.

So why do it? Well, if you’re one of the 3 people that will actually read this blog post and you have to ask why, then you may not be someone who understands a purpose-driven life. Only other crazy, wild, out of the box, norm-busting, purpose-seekers understand why. And words won’t ever define it.

It is a calling. An obsession. A commitment that supersedes any other. And sacrifice, having to constantly be faced with what you have to give up in order to move forward, it keeps you humble.

And in the end, it really isn’t loss. It just feels like it when you’re in it and you haven’t made your way to the other side yet.  When you’re in it, you have to risk. You have to choose you, let go and release whatever it is that you have to let go and release and step into the unknown. Even if that thing you have to let go of is something you love, someone you love.

Trust is the bridge of a sacrificial life, a purpose-driven life.

To keep showing up with your knees at the altar.

So many people settle for less. And secretly, I envy them. How I wish sometimes I could be a simpler woman, happy with a simpler life. I wish I didn’t have to push myself to the depths of my own consciousness. It feels so vulnerable and uncomfortable to have to do this. I wish I didn’t have to keep letting go of all these things I love and risking my heart and stepping into the unknown. It is terrifying and I often feel very, very alone.

But I was never built for ordinary. And even when I have played small and tried to pretend I was ok with less, deep in my heart there has always been this call. To go to the depths of my being and push myself to grow my consciousness. A constant commitment to my own growth. It is incessant. And it is unkind of me to the people around me to pretend I am less than that. Because they love an impersonator. When I am not honouring my truth and my heart, I am pretending to be something I am not.

And I spent years trying to cover that up, pretending I was less and thought less and wasn’t as deep as I really am. I have been afraid.

The cost has felt too great. The risk too high. The fear too strong.

Why do I write this silly blog? I constantly question myself, feel my deep vulnerability, love and hate what I am called to do. Fight myself all the time. Because truthfully, I don’t understand why. I have no evidence or agreement for why. No one is standing up to tell me it’s the right thing to do, or to keep going, or that it all makes sense. It doesn’t even make sense to me. And it particularly doesn’t make sense when where it leads me is to more loss, more sacrifice, more letting go.

I am a woman who is somewhere in the gap. Trusting, without certainty. Pushing forward without proof.

But go I must. Who knows why. Who knows where it will lead me. All I know for sure is on the other side is everything that I want. And all those losses, all those sacrifices will have made sense, will have been worth it. And whether in the end I’m viewed as some ridiculous woman who wrote a blog about some pretty out there concepts that didn’t make sense to anyone, well, it really wasn’t about anyone else anyway.

You see, it’s selfish. It’s always been about me. It’s about me and my connection to the Spirit that calls me. And I will continue to listen and go where it leads and risk my heart again and again until the end of my days. Because that is my purpose. That is my calling. That is who I am.

Come what may.

Krystine McInnes is CEO and Project Director of Athena Farms and Grown Here Farms. Stewarding purpose-driven, change-making projects with a focus on Planet, People, Profit and a commitment to Sustainable Business models.

“You really haven’t changed, you’ve just become more of yourself. That is really what we’re all trying to do: become more of ourselves.” Oprah Winfrey

We are all called to be the fullest expression of ourselves. Not just some of us, all of us.

We all have something we were born to do, called for, intended to be. If we just get still enough to listen, and brave enough to follow our hearts.

I look around sometimes at all the incessant busy-ness, how distracted, unconscious, heartbroken so many people are. Running.

Never noticing how disconnected we are. A million things to do, places to be, spending all this time in motion. Never stopping to ask why.

Purpose.

Without a deep sense of Purpose, reverence, gratitude, commitment to something greater than yourself, it can be so easy to get lost in superficialities, busy-ness, life coming and going.

Paying the bills, paying the cost, never paying attention.

Distracted existence is like a disease, robbing us of a real, awake connection with life. It is false life. And then we wander around trying to fill the emptiness that’s left behind. Wondering why we can’t find happiness – wasn’t the car, the job, the wedding ring, the 2.5 kids and white picket fence supposed to fix all of that? How about a bigger house, nicer car, more diamonds. Keep filling the emptiness with more stuff and when the high of that stuff inevitably wears off, find more stuff and more stuff. Consumerism – disease. We are a society filled with unwell people, empty people, superficial people.

It’s painful to be Present. You have to feel all those feelings that are bubbling up underneath the distractions. Feel the hurt, broken-heartedness, anger, anguish, grief, loss, helplessness. All the things you never gave yourself permission to feel when the hurts or the wounds happened. Tough it out. Be strong. Don’t be vulnerable. Work on top of it. Until you’re in so much pain the only way to cope is to stay in motion, so you never have to stop to actually feel.

So much easier to run. Distract.

But eventually…whether it’s days, months, years, lifetimes…eventually, you run out of rope. Life will call you back to Itself. Back to Love. Back to Purpose. Back to what is real.

To live a life of deep Purpose, you have to be willing to feel, to connect, to commune.

Not everyone is ready for that. I struggle with it all the time.

It takes real commitment. A willingness to confront ourselves at the deepest levels. A constant commitment to open deeper, forgive more readily, stay Present when your heart is breaking and the pain is visceral and all you want to do is close, retreat…and run.

To stay Present instead. Conquer yourself.

It’s the only way through. There are no easy roads. There are no short cuts. There are no ways around it. One way or another, we are all making our way back to God/Life/Spirit. This life or the next.

And the only way through is to conquer those parts of ourselves that are scared, ashamed, broken, grieving, lonely, hurting. To slow down, stay Present and really be with ourselves. Love ourselves. Love our broken parts. Love our ashamed parts. Love our beaten down and lonely parts.

Because it’s on the other side of all those things we’re running from that true joy lives. True happiness. True connection.  The real stuff that all those superficial fill ups can’t reach.

Depth. Joy. God.

Through a willingness to feel all those things we’re running from, accept, express and release them – the ugliness, the imperfection, the deep sorrow, the anger, the vulnerability, the paralyzingly fears – only then can we move through them, let them go, conquer ourselves and become who we were intended to become. As whole people.

Not broken people filling ourselves up with superficial, egoic things to cover up our brokenness in the illusion that we’re whole.

It is so much easier said than done, I know. I’ve seen horrors that I would not wish on my worst enemies. Had my heart destroyed again and again. Been betrayed in the most wicked and vial of ways. Faced real-life monsters masquerading as people, often those closest to me. Clawed my way from the depths of hell and fought battle after battle for every, single, inch of ground. I’ve faced demons and villains and darkness that I dare not speak out loud. And when I have been down so low I did not think I could get up, I have been kicked again. I have known the dark side of life, far too much of it for my heart to bare.

But to live my life working on top of those things, pretending that I am fine, pretending that it didn’t hurt me, pretending that I had it all fixed up in a day because I’m super-human and nothing bothers me and nothing hurts me and nothing breaks me?

It is a lie.

And it is a lie I will pay for the rest of my life, unless I am willing and brave enough to face those things, feel those feelings, let those feelings go, forgive, find the light in every bit of darkness, the lesson in every struggle and the opportunity in every crisis, and free myself from the chains that bind me to an empty life pretending it all away.

Strength lies not in our pretending to be strong, but in our ownership of our fallibility and brokenness and a willingness to face our own vulnerability, head on, and surrender through to the other side. Exposed. Raw. Emptied of self to be filled with Higher Purpose.

There’s freedom there. Everything we want, deep in our hearts, lives on the other side of that kind of surrender. And when we face those deepest, darkest, most vulnerable parts of ourselves, we are not destroyed. No. Instead, we develop a strength that is so pure, so true and so vast – nothing can touch it. It is beyond human comprehension. It is beyond words and description.

It is a glimpse into the enormity, the depth, the heart and the truth of who we really are. Our wholeness. Our perfect imperfection. Our vulnerable strength. Where we start to see that all of it, every battle scar, wounded soul, crushed and broken heart was really Love in disguise. Even when we can’t see it in the moment, it is all Love. Love calling us back to Love. To find out what we’re really made of.

To find the Joy, Love, Happiness that is waiting for us on the other side. To build us. To become who we were intended to be.

If we can be brave enough.

Krystine McInnes is CEO and Project Director of Athena Farms and Grown Here Farms. Stewarding purpose-driven, change-making projects with a focus on Planet, People, Profit and a commitment to Sustainable Business models.

“Every time you suppress some part of yourself or allow others to play you small, you are in essence ignoring the owner’s manual your creator gave you and destroying your design.” Oprah Winfrey

Often, I crave comfort, safety and security. Yet I’m compelled to live, think, act and create so outside the established norms there really are no walls, definitions or boxes I fit into.

It makes me one formidable business woman.

And a constant target.

Most people don’t like things they don’t understand. It threatens their own safety, security and boxes they live in. They want to make sense of it, put it in a box they can understand, define it…limit it. But how do you explain the inexplicable? How do you rationalize the impossible?

My entire life is a series of impossibilities made possible, no-ways turned into ways, rationality, predictability and established norms obliterated. How do you explain those things? You can’t.

How do I stand on my foundation of truth and doesn’t-make-sense-ness and subject myself to public opinion? I know my truth, I have lived one miracle after another for an entire lifetime. But to explain it? To be put to the fires to test my resolve?

Terrifying. Faint smells of burning stakes and the cries of “witch!” pass through my mind.

I made a career out of being a chameleon. To stay within the established lines so I wouldn’t have to be such a target all the time. I’ve never really had a tough enough skin for it.

Years perfecting my position – smile just the right amount. Be attractive, but not too attractive. Shine, but not too bright. Laugh in the right spots, toss my hair at the right time, say the exact right thing so as to make sure they feel completely at ease.

And won’t notice that I’m a complete and total alien.

As I’ve gotten older, wiser, more experienced and less afraid. As I could no longer ignore that voice that has been calling me from deep within, to really live my Higher Purpose. The thing I fear the most, the thing that terrorizes me silently – that I will be judged, criticized, persecuted and made wrong – it is my constant companion.

You see, I had this Pollyanna view that at some point it would all stop and everyone would love and understand me, and praise me for my work and just let me be to build and create. If I just did it perfect enough.

The frailty of my own sense of self bubbles to the surface in a statement like that. I see my need to be liked, to people please. My insecurity. My desperate need to be loved. My covetous idolatry. My shame. My desire for approval.

And I feel ashamed. I should be stronger. I shouldn’t care what others think of me. I’m a leader, how could I think those things let alone utter the words out loud, publicly? I should only focus on the positive. Have a constant list of motivational catch-phrases to cover all that up. Work on top of it. Isn’t there some weekend course somewhere to fix me of those things?

But acknowledging my own shame, fallibility, broken-ness doesn’t mean I give it power. It means I’m being honest. About the truth of me, right down to the core – dark and light. We all have wounds, we all have things about us that bring us to our knees, parts that need more love. Working on top of those things just means they’ll bubble to the surface somewhere else. Sometimes destructively.

Demons hide in these dark places.

No. I refuse to let what I don’t want to acknowledge in myself become what breaks me because I am afraid of how it looks.

Owning all of who I am gives me permission to let that stuff go. It doesn’t own me because I deny it.

To accept the wholeness of who we are is where real strength comes from. That is freedom. That is truth.

What we decide to do with it, that is choice.

Every moment, I get to decide what kind of woman I am going to be.

Will I let all those forces of darkness make me stronger, see the opportunity in the midst of the storm, build my way to solid ground and look back, with compassion, forgiveness and gratitude for all those who have wished me ill or who have placed me on the altar of their own judgment? Or will I be consumed with bitterness, blame and anger, trying to be right, trying to be heard among the deaf and seen among the blind?

Could I see that those who have hurt me the most actually gave me my greatest strengths and gifts.

For how would I know the depths of my own commitment if I wasn’t pushed to the depths of criticism? How would I know great love if I haven’t known loss? How would I know how much grit and determination I have until I have been tested? How would I trust in miracles if I haven’t been brought to my knees, with no human options left, and still a way is made from no-way?

If I could see it all as Love, as the Great Love that is the core of who we all really are. It is all FOR me. All of it. Even if I can’t see it in the moment.

And that Love is of all of me. Not just the parts that look good on paper. Acceptance, forgiveness, commitment, perseverance, tenacity, compassion, focus, discipline, kindness, gratitude, surrender and trust – these are the real building blocks of true success.

In the end, I don’t care to live a life as anyone other than me, by anyone else’s rules but my own. And I will answer only to the One who called me. To keep surrendering, walking and owning who I was intended to be. Come what may. Until I am awash in the mystery, forced open by Grace, filled to the brim with magic and have lost my heart forever in God….

Krystine McInnes is CEO and Project Director of Athena Farms and Grown Here Farms. Stewarding purpose-driven, change-making projects with a focus on Planet, People, Profit and a commitment to Sustainable Business models.

“In order to be truly happy, you must live along with, and you must stand for something larger than yourself.” Oprah Winfrey

Trust.

It’s just a word. Trust. And yet it carries so much with it.

How do we trust? How do we build trust in ourselves and in life? How do we learn to trust again when we have been so betrayed by life, by others, by ourselves?

How do we keep falling down again and again and pick ourselves back up, dust our broken hearts off, and learn to trust again?

I struggle for it.

Sometimes I suffocate in my own fear around it. Maybe I should just turn back, it’s asking too much of me, I can’t surrender that deeply, I can’t let go of control, I can’t do what You ask, I am too afraid.

Silent tormentors in my mind waging war against myself. Then come the external people to validate my fears – you aren’t doing it right, you need to do it our way, you shouldn’t pursue this, you shouldn’t do that. All the judgment, criticism, expectations, pressure. It’s everywhere.

And even though my resolve is stronger, my leadership more capable than ever, my clarity razor sharp, my devotion and commitment deeply rooted…Still….the fear gets thicker. No one tells you that, you know. That your fear will never be absent, in fact, it will be more acute the further in you go. You just become masterful at managing it.  Saying “thanks for sharing” and moving forward anyway. It never really leaves you, not really. Like one side of a two-sided coin, always there to balance out the other. It’s self-mastery that makes the difference.

To lead a purpose driven life, I never really knew what it meant. Not really. I knew I wanted it, more than anything in the world, but to live it? It requires a kind of grit, a depth of determination, a surrender and a humility that I don’t know how to describe. It’s terrifying, and truthfully some days I don’t know if I’m going to make it to the next….and yet it’s the only place I actually feel connected, like it all makes sense, like I understand why I was put on this planet. If I had known from the beginning how much of myself I’d have to give, how far I’d have to push, how deep I’d have to let go, would I have still wanted it? Would I have chosen it? A simpler life looks good in those moments of questioning.

For every step forward in the pursuit of Purpose….tests will come. In my experience, the depth of your tests, balance the depth of your weaknesses, required commitment, integrity and stewardship for the Purpose you are intended for. Like your own, personal, cocktail of Consciousness growth. Not to kill you, but to make you stronger. To build you. So you can become who you were intended to be, to steward the gift, the blessing and be responsible with the burdens of what you have asked for. No blessings come without burdens to manage.

To test your faith, your resolve, to transform your weaknesses, to open your chained up and shut down heart, whether you like it or not. For you cannot strive for Purpose and not accept change, even if that change hurts. Trust. Is required.

To have no physical evidence for your case, be ok to be misunderstood, face scrutiny, aggressive attack and targeted maliciousness, sometimes from those you trust the most, and still find a way to get up, hold your faith, surrender your guard, learn and move forward anyway.

Do I have what it takes to conquer myself?

Life keeps bringing me to my knees….and I pray. I pray for the strength to conquer my fear, to be brave enough to forgive and trust again, to have the courage to face monumental obstacles and odds and rise anyway, to keep surrendering in trust. To be filled with humility, Grace and loving kindness, even for those who have wished me the worst ills and, most especially, for myself.

To be forgiven my mistakes and all those I have wronged, my imperfection and fallibility are constant reminders of my humanity and I am grateful for them and have learned, not always easily, to call them friends. I will never be perfect.

Trust.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

I look out on the horizon. Today, we face challenges like I have never known. I don’t have answers. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other, finding strength from depths within me, not knowing if there is a bridge to support my tired and weary feet, but stepping forward anyway.

Whether I rise or fall, win or fail, it’s all perception really. What is failure but a chance to learn and start again? What is success but a platform to mentor, teach and start again? Always starting anew – a pursuit of consciousness has no end point. It is just an endless sea of constant cycles – rise, fall, ebb, flow, learn, teach – and I am a wanderer carefully riding the tides to and fro….

Krystine McInnes is CEO and Project Director of Athena Farms and Grown Here Farms. Stewarding purpose-driven, change-making projects with a focus on Planet, People, Profit and a commitment to Sustainable Business models.

“The whole point of being alive is to evolve into the complete person you were intended to be.” Oprah Winfrey

My heart is broken. And when your heart is broken, no amount of fake smiles and motivational quotes will help. You just have to feel it, grieve the losses, let time help you to move through it, keep opening and releasing even when all you feel like doing is closing and retreating.

My heart is broken for so many reasons. The state of the planet, the amount of hate and fear that are permeating our culture and media, the dishonouring and disrespecting of the feminine that has heightened in these past few months. It’s broken for so many losses and so many hurts that have deeply wounded me, personally, corporately, globally.

I used to be able to work on top of all of that. Not have to feel it. Distract myself with busy-ness. Not have to acknowledge how deeply broken and wounded my heart has been. Irreparably.

Business is a terrible place to be when your heart is broken. Business can be devastatingly harsh, unkind, unemotional, aggressive, malicious.

Sometimes, I hate it. If I’m really telling the truth, a lot of the time.

It takes a lot out of me to be in business. I’m good at it, and I’m strong, fierce really, and at times I can appear impenetrable. I’m never afraid to make the tough decision and can do so with unemotional swiftness. But truthfully, I’m sensitive, I feel everything far too deeply, my empathy runs through every cell in my being, I trust people far too easily and leave my heart unprotected, naively at times.

Yet in order to go where I need to go, to fulfill my purpose, to execute on this mission I have undertaken, business is the only way through. I have to learn how to protect myself, how to be guarded, how to fight for my position, how to push back and hold my ground when attacked and undermined, how to be deeply wounded by people that I trust the most, pull the arrows out of my back, and keep going. How to keep my heart open and my truth honoured while having wolves after my jugular and demands and pressure that would crush the most seasoned of souls. To balance purpose and vision with execution and structure. To trust intuition. To fail, be tested, be pushed to the limit and find solid ground. To make tough decisions that make me highly unpopular and unliked, judged, criticized, blamed and attacked, but have to make them anyway.

And every step forward brings another level of challenges, far greater than the last. Just when I think I can relax…another freight train. Sometimes I don’t think I have what it takes….but only sometimes.

So why do it?

I have this insatiable desire, this compulsion, this obsession, this unwavering depth of commitment, to lead a purpose driven life. To be the fullest expression of myself. Unbounded and connected to my Source. I have no idea where it comes from, this tenacity of spirit that is unrivaled. But it is the only thing that keeps me going.

It’s selfish really.

Yes, as a company we are committed to creating sustainable businesses, pushing forward change-making projects that have impact and I am fiercely passionate about it. But that’s not why I do this work. I do this work for selfish reasons – reasons that are hard for me to put into words, they are beyond words.

I do it for my own commitment to the pursuit of something I can’t quite describe. Ascension, growth in consciousness, to be the fullest expression of myself, yes. But even those words all fall flat.

Why write such a deeply personal blog? Goodness knows it’s not for the fan mail. I’d never be this honest about the dark corners in my mind – my fears, my vulnerabilities, my amateur grammar – by choice. It’s painful for me to write this thing, but I do it because Spirit calls. I must. Who knows why.

I am relentless about it. Willing to do whatever it takes. Go wherever I need to go, do whatever I need to do. When I win and when I fail, my resolve is the same. None of that matters. It is a pursuit, a lifelong one, a connection to a higher consciousness. Winning and failing don’t matter there. Accolades or acknowledgement are nice, but they don’t mean anything. Whether I am judged or praised matters not. Nothing matters, but this pursuit, this connection. And every day it starts from 0. Every moment is a fresh start to move forward in this quest for consciousness – to bring the Light of Understanding, for myself, yes, and for others, I hope.

It leads me often to places I don’t want to go, to decisions I have to make that break my heart in two. To keep releasing attachment to anything. It is a life beyond attachments. It will bring me to my knees and then ask me to surrender further. It will open my heart to great depths of love and devotion and then ask me to let them go. It will confront me with my greatest fears again and again and ask me to befriend them. It will bring me to be betrayed and betrayed and betrayed and somehow find a way to forgive and keep trusting. It will wreck my broken heart again and again, until I learn to find strength in my vulnerability. It will keep my fallibility in my own view until I can live in my own forgiveness. Until I learn to be a walking, wounded, broken-hearted soul, exposed for the world to see, so full of humility and Grace that there is no other option than to surrender deeper into every moment, every situation and every opportunity.

One giant, life-long process of letting go. Of letting go of ego, of self, of attachment, of mistakes, of the way it “should” look, of what I had in mind……to make room for God.

Krystine McInnes is CEO and Project Director of Athena Farms and Grown Here Farms. Stewarding purpose-driven, change-making projects with a focus on Planet, People, Profit and a commitment to Sustainable Business models.

“All these years I’ve been feeling like I was growing into myself. Finally, I feel grown.” Oprah Winfrey

The feeling I have, right now in this moment of true depth and empowerment, is that I have finally found that Light, that Spark, that Inner-Goddess that I remember having when I was little, even if only the sense that I had it then. And somehow, over years of life happening, lost.  Maybe I lost it when I was 3 or 5 or 6. Maybe pieces of it were chunked away slowly over time, until one day I woke up and didn’t know who I was. Lost in insecurities, everyone else’s perceptions and ideals for me, trying to be perfect, desperately unhappy, searching to find that Inner Light again, looking in all the wrong places. Finding only superficial, false idols that I clung to and had been so terrified to let go of. How do you let go of a lifeline not knowing what’s next, or if there is a net to catch you?

In my experience, that’s where the gift is. In learning to let go of our addictions to false idols and superficial fills, step into the unknown, face every dark and frightened part of ourselves, tell the truth about it and stand there, vulnerable, opened, uncertain and deeply humbled. To find out who we really are.

It’s not easy. My fear has always been that the answer to the question, “who am I?”, is all of the terrible thoughts in my head, all of the guilt, shame, blame, punishment, “I told you so’s”, not enoughs and not worthys. How could I face myself if it was all true? Best to cover it up with superficial niceties, get the botox and the makeup out, drink it away, drug it away. We certainly have enough media that tells us that’s what to do. “Focus on my body, please ignore my spirit.” “Tell me the only way I’m valuable is to have the best jacket, car, house or shoes.” “Hide that deep fear deeper and deeper below the surface and cover it up with money, fame, shiny things and fake everything.”

Who am I? It’s an unanswerable riddle. Every layer leads deeper, to another and another. Past the fear, past the superficial egoic state, past the things I’ve told myself about who I am, past the things I’ve been told about who I am, past all of it.

There’s a beauty that starts to unfold there. A deep sense of peace, of connection and communion to….something. Something bigger. A returning to that Inner Light, that Inner Spark. A joy that I can’t quite describe in words, it just simply isn’t human. Who am I?

I don’t really know, and yet I have a firmer sense inside of me than I ever have. I feel stronger, more connected, more authentic, more honest and truthful, more alive and more joy than at any other time in my existence. Who am I?

I am afraid. How can I possibly be worthy of so much? Sometimes I have to stop – I can’t let it all in. It overwhelms me.

But still my path continues to unfold into the mystery of the answer. And to be able to manifest projects into the world that become places of resonance, that sing that same deep song to lead us all back Home, to that place of Inner Light, Inner God/Goddess, Inner Spark – wow. I am so deeply, deeply humbled and honoured.

Into the mystery I go.

Krystine McInnes is CEO and Project Director of Athena Farms and Grown Here Farms. Stewarding purpose-driven, change-making projects with a focus on Planet, People, Profit and a commitment to Sustainable Business models.

“In every aspect of our lives, we are always asking ourselves, How am I of value? What is my worth? Yet I believe that worthiness is our birthright.” Oprah Winfrey

Breathe. One in. One out. Just breathe.

I stand on the precipice of everything I want. My desire for a purposeful, passion filled life, creating projects that are driven in social enterprise, grounded in solid business principals & extremely profitable. Planet, people, profits. Serving my mortgage clients in a way that takes care of them, building solutions that solve problems, strategizing financial structures & helping them build wealth.

Running both companies parallel & intertwined, both supporting & feeding the other. Building the right team of strong, committed individuals that serve a greater vision.

I was put on this planet to lead. Have been bossy since the day I was born. Can’t stand to be told what to do. Makes my skin crawl to hear someone tell me it can’t be done that way. See possibility everywhere, strategy everywhere, solutions everywhere. Build business models in my sleep.

So why do I feel like I’m standing at the precipice….but I’ve got my hand on the grenade? Isn’t this everything I wanted?

Worthiness is a funny thing. When does it get beaten out of us?

Who knows what stories we all have about whatever our pasts are, really in the end they don’t matter. What happens happens, it is what it is – it’s what we make it mean about ourselves that does the real damage. And we carry that damage with us, sometimes for our entire lives.

I have my hand on the grenade because everything I’ve worked so hard for is happening, is manifesting, after years of struggle & successes followed by failures & getting up & dusting off & going again & the hardest most arduous journey of my lifetime. Here it is. The next level. And I can almost not stand my own success.

It terrifies me. It rests above the pit of I’m-not-worth-it-ness that is hidden deep below. Will everyone see how unworthy I am if I step into the light?

How can I let that amount of love & abundance & connection into my heart & still stay in control? I can’t. My vulnerability is triggered, my terror to let it all in & then suffer loss, have my heart broken in two, have my dreams ripped to shreds & chewed up & spit back to me – I’m not sure I could take it. I’m not sure I would survive. Need to stay guarded, stay strong, stay impenetrable. And yet I know that I can’t either.

How can I possibly let myself receive the immensity, the vastness, the greatness, the awesomeness of everything my heart desires? Aren’t I supposed to struggle, aren’t dreams fulfilled for fairy tales & fiction & not for me?

Just breathe. Time to call in my support systems, get on the phone with my mentors. Give myself some time to be nurtured & filled up & take care of me. Gently now. Slowly. It might take a few days, in fact it has been almost a week of this energy that I haven’t broken free of. But I can’t rush it, if I do, the grenade drops.

Breathe in. Breathe out. What’s the purpose again? Why am I doing all of this again? Connect with the purpose – remember what it’s all for Krystine. For the family you want to build, for the life you want to live, for the God-given purpose you are here to fulfill. Breathe it in. Visualize. Connect. Calm…

Now, slowly. Ever…so…slowly. Put the pin back in. Gently now. Put it down.

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

“If you just keep breathing, you cannot be conquered”. Oprah Winfrey

I am starving. Starving for something I can’t  describe. Food won’t fill it, wine won’t numb it, work won’t drown it out.

Its a hungering from deep within me. One I’ve long heard & past ignored, worked on top of, drown out with behaviours to numb it.

I noticed myself slipping recently. Reverting to some old behaviours – things I used to do to hurt myself. Goodness knows why – my I don’t deserve it units or I’m not worth it units having a field day in my psyche.

Picking apart my mind until I’ve fallen back far enough to satisfy that sabotaging voice.

It’s the subtleties that make the difference.

When I see those old thoughts & behaviours creeping in. It happens gradually – a compromise here, a missed commitment there, a deadline passed, a promise broken.

This is where failure happens – not at the finish line, but in all the subtleties in between start & end.

When the crossroads in my mind between my desire for a passion filled, purposeful life meets my deeper feelings of unworthiness.

Something is different this time though. Something has changed. My awareness has deepened, my support systems wide & vast, my team strong, my vision clear.

And my desire – to want something more, to be willing to confront the darkest parts of myself with compassion & conviction & deep surrender, to turn my life over to a greater service, to a higher path. It is insatiable. I will not yield.

I’m too committed. I’ve crossed the line in my own desire for a purpose driven life, for meaning, depth, leaving everything on the table, living on the skinny branch.

I am afraid – goodness how afraid I am, terrified really. The decisions I must make are hard, the road has been long, there is no sign of rest soon & I must remain highly conscious of myself so that I don’t become my own worst enemy. I must manage my mind & cannot trust my thoughts.

But fear & success move like the stream & the rocks within it. They are intertwined. They are inevitable friends not foes.

Lean into it Krystine. Feel the fear & lean in harder. Trust this path, this committed vision, this quest to guide me through.

I am a weary traveller searching for my way home, lost a little as night has fallen & I am nowhere near – listen to the wind, let it guide me. Let the trees give me shelter & the land nourish me. Lean in. Lean in. Lean in.

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.krystinemcinnes.ca

 

“A mentor is someone who allows you to see the hope inside yourself.” Oprah Winfrey

Leadership skill – finding amazing mentors. I used to be on a men’s CEO board – me…& 12 old boys’ club CEOs. I was 25, had already made my first million, had an ego that was 10 times as big as I was & thought I knew it all. Those men handed my ass to me.

Any deal I brought forward, they hammered me, drilled it down, asked tough questions I didn’t know the answer to, threw it against the wall & when I’d had enough & couldn’t take anymore…they’d push me further.

I hated it, my ego was crushed, my confidence broken, my pride completely torn to shreds. But I loved them. I loved them because what they were doing was trying to keep me safe. I really didn’t know what I was doing, I was way over my head, I had a ton of vultures that were circling & couldn’t see the forest for the trees & worst of all….I had zero respect for money. I just flippantly walked through life as if I could create another million by blinking my eyes. I had to lose a lot of money before I finally started to let my ego go.

As an entrepreneur & a fiercely stubborn woman at times, it’s hard for me to hear other people when they’re poking holes in my world of possibilities. It’s hard for me to hear them, it deflates my creative process, it shakes my confidence & plants seeds of doubt in my intuition. I don’t like it.

But having people around me who want to keep me safe – by asking the hard questions, by not backing down even when I’m angry, that can match my power & dish it right back to me, I want these people in my team.

I’ve had a mentor for as far back as I can remember. I always thought – if I wanted to be a pro athlete, I’d get a rockstar coach. If I want to master my life – I’d do the same. Seems only logical.

Today, & for the past 8 years, my mentor team (or as I refer to them, my board of directors) is Living in Balance coaching. A group of high-level, highly connected & extremely successful women who have paved the path before me. Bridging the feminine, the spirit & the women’s way of doing business in balance. I love & trust these women completely & they are truly the backbone of my success.

Often times, I don’t like them very much. They ask the tough questions, they poke holes in my field of possibilities & they relentlessly fight for my safety – even when I’m kicking & screaming. But I love them & I trust them & I know they do it to make sure my creative space of infinite possibilities is firmly tethered to the ground. If I had one piece of wisdom for any women entrepreneurs, it would be to find an incredible mentor or coach, be open, learn & listen.

My board of directors is my sounding board. I don’t go to them for advice, I go to them to hash it out, find the holes I’m not seeing, bring in information & feedback & then, as the CEO of my ship, I make a decision for me & the direction of my company towards my vision & I am fully committed & responsible for it. There is no greater purpose for a board.

I have such gratitude for all of my mentors – the anal-retentively & most respected for complexity lawyer who taught me everything he knew, the 12 old boys’ CEOs who sat on that board & lovingly handed me my rear end to teach me how to really run a company, the personal coaches along the way to help me work through my emotional maturity & the absolutely brilliant women CEOs who today sit on my board as my mentors with Living in Balance.

Every guide a gift. I thank each one. Without them, I would be lost. How anyone can be successful without these sages who have paved the path is something of a wonder to me. I really don’t think anyone is. Behind each successful person is a mentor team of wise old owls, not to direct, but to guide with wisdom & love.

Krystine McInnes is an accredited mortgage professional with over 10 years in the mortgage industry & a background in the legal field. She also stewards the vision for numerous boutique development projects between the Okanagan & Vancouver, British Columbia. Find more on her here: www.didyouknowmortgage.ca