I used to pray every, single day, “God please use me for the purpose you created me for. Let me know it, live it and be who you intended me to be”. Every day. Since I was a child.
Every day.
I was suffering. Deeply. And I continued to suffer for years, decades. None of it made any sense. I thought success would fill it up. It didn’t. I thought wealth would make it better. It didn’t. I thought giving of myself would ease the pain. It just ended up burning me out. Overgiving can be a terrible habit when you are handicapped in your receiving units. I just kept giving until I had nothing left, thinking if I kept giving it would somehow make me worthy. It didn’t.
An endless list of superficial fill ups, trying desperately to find happiness and fulfillment. But it didn’t come through things or people or doing. I didn’t understand. Why?
Why did I have to suffer so deeply? Why couldn’t I find my way Home? Why wasn’t anyone listening, I prayed every single day….and still I suffered. Met more loss. Saw more monsters in people, and in myself. It felt endless.
But as I look back now, from a place I have grown and transformed into, I can see how each struggle was really Love in disguise. Building me. Shaping me. Forging my character, to become who I was intended to become.
It hasn’t been easy. My faith has been tested again and again.
But you cannot build a strong house on a faulty foundation and my foundation wasn’t just flawed, it was rotten and decomposing, morally questionable, full of rage, bound with self-pity and riddled with ego. I needed to become. I needed to grow in my capacity, my morality, my judgment of right and wrong, my integrity, my stewardship, my responsibility, leadership, discipline, devotion, experience.
Sometimes growth hurts. Sometimes we don’t understand. Sometimes we suffer. Sometimes, the Light turns Its back on us, we feel completely alone, betrayed, abandoned and we have to find a way to move forward in the dark.
It is easy to have faith when life is going your way. But what of us who have been tested? What of us when Life has turned Its back?
If we could see it all as Love. It is the Great Love that we all are at our core. That we are all being called back to, eventually. Sometimes that Love is concealed from us and we can’t see It’s face. But just because it is concealed, does not mean that it is not there. It conceals Itself, to teach us trust, faith, lessons, build our character.
In my experience, when I look back now at how far I have come, at how clear I am on my purpose, on my absolute connection to Spirit, unshakable and irrefutable, I know with certainty that we are not alone. And even in those times when we feel abandoned, unheard, lost, in pain, there is something Greater that is helping us to evolve, to become. If we are brave enough to stay the course, confront our fears, transform our egos.
Willing enough to do the work, even when it feels like Life has turned its back on us. To trust when our hearts are breaking. To open when we feel like we’ve been gutted with a knife. To feel love when we are confronted with loss. To let go when we are uncertain. To move forward even when we can’t see the next step.
We are not alone. We are all created for a divine purpose. And, I believe, our job is to find that. To do our spiritual, emotional, karmic work in order to become who we were intended to become. To align with the consciousness of the thing we have asked for, so that we can steward it. We cannot steward something that we do not resonate with. Like can only attract like – resonance to resonance.
For some of us, that work is hard. I know. And I don’t know why. Maybe it was what we chose, maybe it was our karma, maybe it really doesn’t have a reason at all. It just is. Those questions are beyond my pay grade.
All I know for sure is that every place I have suffered, over time, has become my greatest strength. Every time I cried, every heartbreak I thought was going to kill me, turned into something beautiful…eventually. And I moved from darkness to light, over time, with commitment and willingness and a deep, unquenchable desire to know my own purpose and to find my way Home.
We are all light workers. Transforming what is dark inside of us into what is light and love. Loving our broken parts. Bringing more love and more light in the world through our works both inwardly and outwardly. That is our work.
The vehicle we choose to use for it could be a business, a job, motherhood, art, religion, family, relationship. There are many different ways we can choose to do our work. No one better than the others.
They are all just vehicles that manifest our journey to becoming who we were intended to be. This life or the next.
My choice is a purpose-driven business. Truthfully, it started out as a business. Now it and I are intertwined, it is a calling and a Higher Purpose. My work, my commitment to my path and becoming who I am called to become translates into our success, the work we do, the products we create, the projects we engage in. It is all one in the end.
I cannot separate myself. It is a pursuit of deepening consciousness. Of transforming dark to light. Of bringing more Love into the world and resonating that Love through every, single product, project and business we deploy.
It isn’t for everyone. I’m certain there are many critics, judges and juries that would have my head on a platter. There are so many arrows in my back, I’ve lost count. And there is certainly enough public opinion about who, what and how I should or shouldn’t be. The noise gets so loud sometimes.
But none of it matters.
All that matters is that I continue this journey to becoming and living my path with as much integrity as I can, from where I am now – not from yesterday. To let go of my failures, to make amends where I have done wrong, to trust myself and keep moving forward to become a better person, a better company and doing more good in the world with projects that matter. To keep my eyes firmly fixed on the bigger picture and not allow the noise to distract me from this greater purpose.
To stay the course.
Krystine McInnes is CEO and Project Director of Athena Farms and Grown Here Farms. Stewarding purpose-driven, change-making projects with a focus on Planet, People, Profit and a commitment to Sustainable Business models.
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